Expert: Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychotherapist - 9/16/2008

Question
Please help me before I go crazy. Let me briefly explain my story. Over a year ago my ex boyfriend went to rehab. He was a drunk, plain and simple. We were together for 4 years and in that time he did not work, drive or have money. I paid all the bills and provided his alcohol. Finally, he went to rehab. I begged a judge not to put him in jail but to send him to treatment. He went and a week into his 28 day program he called me to break off the relationship. Since then I've attended al-anon, coda, and have seen several substance abuse counselors and see a therapist weekly. I've also began to binge drink (I have never been a drinker). My ex was sober for 15 months and in that time he did not have contact with me at all. This past 4th of July he drank and has been drinking. He called me the night he drank/was drunk. When I called him back, he yelled at me and changed his number. A month ago my best friend/rock killed herself. Some how my ex found out, and called me 2 weeks after she passed. The night he called he called me from his new number while drunk and invited me to his place. After that, I thought we were on good terms, honestly I thought that we would get back together. A week after that I did not hear from him until last week. He called me at 7am I went to his house we hung out all day while he got drunker and drunker. We had sex a few times and he made it a point to tell me that he was sleeping with "a lot of girls" and that he has met several girls. I asked to him to keep his life to himself and that I would do the same. I have not heard from this man since then. During the work week since he's a working man now (HA) he does not drink. I called him and he acted like an ass to me. Basically, I'm confused because he gets drunk calls me tells me to be back with him and during the week he's sober and won't call or talk to me. Why is this man doing this to me? It's been a year in a half since he broke up with me, he changed his number, kept his life a secret from me and now he thinks he can walk back in my life. WHY? I know I should not pick my phone up, but it's hard, I love this man. He was VERY abusive to me while we were together for those 4 years and I have been to enough support groups to know that he is not healthy. What gives him the right to act like his life is perfect when he drinks? I thought he changed because he now owns a car, lives in a nice place works and pays rent. What is the reason for him wanting contact with me now? What should I do? I feel like I have to tell him not to call me, but it's a hit or miss with him if he calls me or not. I just can't ignore my phone when he's calling I am addicted to this man. The way that he's addicted to beer is the way that I am addicted to him. What is his motive? He says he can have me anytime...what gives him this idea.   Please help me.... Thanks Lena

Answer
Hi Lena,
You say you are addicted to this man who abuses you and uses you whenever he is drunk. This does not seem to be his problem but rather yours. Being an alcoholic has inevitable personality consequences, one of which having a low self-esteem. Such a person can seek out another person with an equal low self-esteem and the two constitute then a dependency relationship, each one feeding on the other to satisfy only some of their basic needs.

If you want to overcome your problems it seems to me that you need to acknowledge responsibility for your own behaviour and start treating the alcoholism within yourself.  It is quite probable that recognizing your own dependence on alcohol is what attracts you to the man that is capable of abusing you. You are like-minded and understand his feelings.

Alcoholism is basically a physical disease that prevents the body from producing feel good neurotransmitters. This disease is responsible for excess stress hormones that can be dampened with the use of alcohol or other depressant chemicals. Thus if we want to treat alcoholism we need to treat the underlying biochemical abnormality that makes a person into an alcoholic before looking at psychological aspects.

Please read:

Why Alcoholics Drink? at
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:
http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

Self Help Personal Growth Program at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/self-help_personal_growth.html

and ask to be referred to a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or Nutritional Psychologist if you want to.

You need to treat te alcoholism first before you study the self-help psychotherapy course.

_______________________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman
Editor of
The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.
www.hypoglycemia.asn.au
Author of "Getting off the Hook"
Freely available at Google Book Search
Skype: jurplesman