Expert: Clyde - 9/15/2008

Question
I dated an alcoholic for a year in a half about a year ago, after which time we broke up. We remained friends in the time afterward, as she began to get into recovery. She began doing a religious twelve step program other than A.A., but still found she had trouble staying sober. Recently, she has really come to the full understanding that she is an alcoholic, and has been going to A.A. meetings, trying to get 90 meetings in 90 days, and working with a sponsor. My problem is that in the time since we stopped officially dating, we've still been very emotionally close, to the point where I'm still really invested in her. I've been going to Alanon for a while, but I'm still new, and have just begun working with a sponsor myself. Things recently came to a head where me and this girl basically almost came to the decision to get back together. She's only been sober for two weeks, but I'm finding I'm losing my ability to hold off from getting back into a "official" relationship. I really want to be with her, but I'm afraid there's no way around it being to early in her sobriety. Can you offer any advice? Is this a terrible idea, or is there any way of exploring this at a safe and slow pace, so as not to disrupt her sobriety, or make me crazy? I'm not sure how I should handle the mutual feelings between us at this point. Thanks.

Answer
Nik,
    Thank you for your questions and explaining something about the situation.

    I take it that you do not feel that you have a problem with alcohol as you have chosen Alanon as your program.  I commend you for doing so, as all people really need to be in some kind of "recovery."  There are a number of off-shoots of the AA way using a religious bent but most are failing at providing the time-proven simplicity of AA - GOD, as I understand Him, providing all I need to achieve sobriety.  It is really that simple.  The religious groups miss the essence of the program - it is a God of my understanding, not some  God concept pushed on me which I may not be able to accept.  Religion makes God to small.  This is my opinion.

    You will discover that the essence of good recovery (and just living life in general) is being honest.  That is the value of a good sponsor. If I will share openly and honestly with a sponsor whatever is in my head or how I am feeling from day to day, I believe that I will succeed for that day at not hiding or lieing or escaping life by bad behaviors like drinking.  I must have someone who is a drunk with whom to talk in order for the honesty to really be substantive.  They know how I think and how I feel and I feel "heard."  Likewise, you will find that persons who have dealt with alcoholics in their lives will be able to relate to you, and you to them.  This is another drawback to the religious groups - they dilute the essence of recovery by including too many behaviors that I, as an alcoholic, will not be able to relate to.  

    All that said to get to your question.  I believe that it depends on the length of time and the severity of the alcoholic tendency throughout this person's drinking career as to whether it is wise to engage in a serious relationship in early sobriety.  I say this because you will find that as a person in AA (or Alanon) embraces the program and begins to reap the benefits of a sober way of handling life they WILL change.  This change MAY be so profound that you will not recognize the person!  That is the reason so many marriages do not survive sobriety - the person who sobers up is just too different from who they used to be.  My wife (we are now divorced) did not like me sober and asked for me to drink so that she could have the old Clyde back.  I had the presence of mind and the gift of sobriety given to me by my God, as I understand him, to say "You can't have him back because he is dead."  As you contemplate relationship be mindful of this and know you may not like what you see as she sobers up for real.  She is not who she is really supposed to be as a drunk.

     If you do decide to go forward, then remember your vows of marriage will say "in sickness or in health, for richer for poorer, until death do you part."  That means that changes you see in her over time you will have to accept and love her for the person she is becoming.  Likewise, she must accept the person you will be becoming.

     You can not and must not take on the responsibility for this person's sobriety.  That is her job and hers alone.  

     You two are in for one fantastic life journey and I  hope that you both give it all you have in the early days to reap the miracles God is waiting to bestow on you.

    Hope this helps and write again if you have any other questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde