Expert: Druideck - 9/12/2008

Question

I have been married for 18 years. We have been through some major financial downfalls over the past 3-4 years which were my fault due to a bad business deal. My husband has always drank a little but not daily until then. I have tried talking to him but he says it is his way of coping with the mess I caused. As things have improved financially(although still very tough)The drinking has increased. He can be a nice guy to me and our two kids until he drinks. He gets mad about everything we say twist our words and yells all the time really angry! I try to get the kids to be careful of their words etc so he won't blow up which I know is unhealthy for all. Keeping the peace is killing me and I am losing respect and am afraid the kids already have.Also he knows how I feel about it so he does not bring it in the house and put in fridge. He will leave in cooler on the back of his work truck and walk outside and down a beer sneaky like.After his first two beers he becomes a angry person and will pick apart your words to start an argument which is not his personality when he is sober. He loves the kids and me he is very involved in all their sports etc but the kids know what happens at night so they are pulling away from him and clinging to me. They do not want to have him pick them up or anything for fear he might be drinking and they will argue. I am exhausted and tired of playing peacemaker for all. I DO NOT want to leave him I want to help but do not want my kids screwed up in the meantime. I am not perfect and he makes sure to tell me all of my flaws if I bring up drinking. I have guilt because the problem started with my bad decision in business that cost us our home etc. Please help. He stood by me when I was losing my money and business. I want to help but two or more years is long enough for me to know I am not helping and my teenagers (13yr boy,15yr girl)need to respect their DAD for the great guy I know he is sober.


Answer
Robin,

I understand how difficult it is
to care for someone that is making
choices that are difficult to live with.

If your husband is becoming more dependent
on alcohol as a solution to his problems
he is heading down a very bad path.

As dependence on alcohol increases
all aspects of the person deteriorate.
Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually
they go downhill.

Their inner self hatred is projected at those
around them, usually the ones they love.
Their loss of control frustrates them
and often increases their drinking as
they try to control the uncontrollable.
Once addicted to alcohol they no longer
have the ability to stop without help.

At this point the spouse and/or the
family is feeling resentful and
start to nag, beg, plead, threaten or
act nicer in an effort to get them to
stop drinking. These efforts and pleading
will not work as the person has an addiction
which can not just be stopped by using
will power. If your husband has
past the point of stopping on his
own he will need counselling, treatment
and possibly AA meetings for support
in quitting.

Many people at this point have too
much false pride that makes them
think they can handle the problem and
can quit anytime they want. This
is not true of course as evidenced
by their continued drinking in the
face of losing their families
and even their life.

A good alcohol counsellor may be able
to help you stage an organized intervention.
Keep accurate records of his drinking
and angry behaviours. And also
how you felt at that moment.
This is the kind of information it
takes to crack an alcoholics
denial system.
Don't try it alone as he will get
more resentful and angry.

You can attend Al-Anon to gather
information or pick up
some info locally or on the internet.
Print out some alcohol problem
assessments and see if he will
try them when he is in a better mood.
http://www.ncadd-sfv.org/symptoms/mast_test.html

This is a problem that he has to solve
for himself you can only do so much.
Take care of your family and
get away if things become too much.

Recovery takes willingness and time,
it is a lifetime process of healing
but is the only path away from self-destruction.