Expert: Amarnath.B - 9/10/2008

Question
Hello,

I fell upon your site online and really hope you can help me.  I have also posted on an al-anon message board and am planning on getting to an al-anon meeting next week. Anyway, i'll try to keep it as short as possible.  First of all, I wasnt officially "dating" this guy.  We were seeing each other.  I have no chemical addictions, however I do suspect that I might possibly have an addiction to certain people (or kinds of people).  He, however, had many addictions.  I know for a fact he was abused physically, verbally, and sexually when he was a young boy by his father and uncle (sexually by uncle), and he abuses alcohol, prescription pills, and is addicted to porn and women.  He cheated on me numerous times when we were dating (I found evidence of that like emails to other women making plans and even undergarments behind his bed that didnt belong to me).  He denied it all!  Anyway, in the 6 months we dated he went to inpatient rehab twice, both times failing in less than 2 weeks blaming it on insurance, or that they didnt let him use the gym. All copouts.  It just always seemed even this time when we started speaking again that every couple of days he was having his "official day 1" and getting "back on the wagon again".  He calls himself sober, though he's still addicted to all the pot and pills.  The problem here is now with me.  We've since had a fight and he's blocked me from emailing/IMing him.  He wouldnt take my phone calls, so i've realized its time to stop worrying about him and start worrying about me.  Have you ever come across someone like me in a position like this before?  Why does it bother me so much that such a toxic person has cut me off? I should be grateful, right?  I mean, this guy even got physical with me twice and even gave me a bruise on my arm.  I know this guy will always have problems, but i'm worried about me now.  How do I get past the feeling addicted to this person and these kinds of people?  Why am I feeling the feelings of withdrawl just as a drug addict probably does just because he made himself unavailable to me anymore?

Answer
Hello Jen,

Yes, you're one of the many who is addicted to the addicted.  This is another type of co-dependency and I'm glad you've contacted Al-Anon.  Al-Anon, a self-help group will be of great help for you since, you will find others like you.  

Now, the underlying problem that you have is rejection.  This is one of the manifestations of low self-esteem and low self-worth.  Feelings of rejection stems out of this primary problem.  You should try and become more of an extrovert, and start at the beginning by loving yourself.  You're lucky that this relationship broke before you actually got caught in the loop of addiction (I suppose so?).  You should now try and make new friends, go out with normal people, and enjoy life.  It is not worth wallowing over this relationship which will only get you deeper into problems like depression.

Now is the time for you to start thinking about yourself positively, get into a healthy relatioship, and come out of your lonelines (which is a major impediment for your growth).  Don't worry there are thousands like you who face this problem of low self-esteem.  You can only come out of this by thinking positively and start by loving yourself.  Don't ever try to get back to your boyfriend.  It will only spell doom for you.  As an addicted personality, he is only using you, another addictive personality.

Move on Jen, life's not worth waiting for people who have a negative impact on you.

God bless,


Amarnath