Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/23/2008

Question
I need advice. Wife is alcoholic. She is good when not drinking, but totally different when drinking. She hides the beer all over the house. We argue about it sometimes and I have gone to motels (with our child) overnight several times. She has told me several times, when drunk, that she is going to divorce me and take me for everything I am worth because of my daughter. I think wife is trying to get me to leave and then be forced to pay support for her and for my child. I will not leave my child with her. I do not care about the money so much as I do the child. My 4 year old, turning five in 2 weeks, is the highlight of my life and I have to make all decisions with her best interest in mind. My wife knows my devotion to my daughter and uses that against me. Saying things like, I want you to leave. You can't have our daughter and you will pay me x-thousand per month for support. I am afraid of leaving because I am afraid that court will leave my child with my wife and I will then have no ability to protect her. Wife is not abusive, but has passed out before and the 4 year old can be out the door in a flash with mom passed out on the couch. I cannot live with that. Please advise. One part of me wants to take my daughter and just go. Another part really wishes for my wife to just leave us alone. I don't think I love her anymore. Am I wrong for wanting to get out when wife is sick? If she had MS or diabetes or something, I wouldn't leave, but this seems different. Please advise. I am at the end of my rope.


Answer
Hello Joseph,
I am sorry for the pain you are obviously in. The first priority is, as you suggest, the safety of your 4 year old daughter. While there may be no direct physical abuse, there are other kinds of abuse and neglect; a mother who is drinking alcoholically cannot care for her child as that child needs to be cared for. Your instincts are good; I think you need to take action to safeguard your child and you. My advice is for you to seek counsel from a lawyer so that you can take the appropriate action (which may include a separation until your wife seeks treatment). An alcoholic needs to be held accountable for her behavior. Taking action with a lawyer's advice may start the process of breaking down the denial your wife has of her alcohol problem. I also always advise that a person in your situation seek counseling and support, including attendance of Al-Anon, the 12 Step programs for a person in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Also check out my website for persons with a loved on with an alcohol problem: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com