Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/10/2008

Question
Jan,

My best friend is an alcoholic. She got a DUI 8 years ago and went to AA. As a result she quit drinking and became very involved with AA. She started to date someone a year ago who likes good wine and started drinking again. I told her I was worried about her but didn't dwell on it because I didn't want to push her away. It has been very difficult to be with her when she drinks because her personality changes and it isn't pleasaant to be with her. I want to tell her that I can't spend time with her when she is drinking. But, I don't want to damage the friendship because I really like her when she is sober and I'd like to be there for her when she is ready to quit again.  I'd appreciate any advice on the right way to tell her how I feel.

Thanks for your advice,
Gwen

Answer
Hello Gwen, You sounde like a good, caring friend. As such, I consider the most loving thing to do is to be honest with your friend about how her drinking is affecting you, how her drinking causes her to act, and that you want you old, treasured friend back. In order for an alcoholic to realize the necessity for stopping use, she needs consequences and help seeing how her behavior hurts people she cares about. So, even though you may risk losing the friendship, hopefully only temporarily, I think it worthwhile to be honest with your friend. I like the language you used in your question and would include it, along with saying you want your sober friend back: "I want to tell her that I can't spend time with her when she is drinking. But, I don't want to damage the friendship because I really like her when she is sober and I'd like to be there for her when she is ready to quit again." Check out my website for more help: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck.
Jan Edward williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com