Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/8/2008

Question
My boyfriend just went into a 28 day program for alcohol.  This is the first time.  We plan on being together when he gets out.  Al-anon isn't really for me because I'm not trying to get away from him.  If he gets out and starts drinking again, he is done.  For now, just him being gone(we've been together for 2 and 1/2 years, living together for 2) is very hard for me.  I need a support group that's going to help me with the pit in my stomach.  I keep myself very busy. I know that I am co-dependant but I will be putting my foot down when he gets out.  It just seems like al-anon doesn't focus on the pain I feel.  It just seems like the big thing is to get away from him.  I'm not at that stage.  He went in on his own and is doing what needs to be done. Al-anon just seems so negative.  That's why I don't believe I fit into that.  Any suggestions?

Answer
Hello Barbara,
Congratulations to you and your boyfriend on his agreeing to get help for his alcohol problem; that decision is a huge one considering how powerful denial is for the alcoholic. I wonder how many Al-Anon meetings you attended? My experience with Al-Anon is that it provides support for the person in a relationship with an alcoholic. Al-Anon goals include helping someone like you to be good to herself, to learn how to not try to control the behavior of the alcoholc or enable the alcoholic. Al-Anon does suggest that someone in your position try to detach emotionally from the alcoholic in the sense of learning to lovingly be there for your boyfriend, but also to learn to let go of your boyfriend's drinking problem. I have never heard of Al-Anon members taking the position that you should "get away from him." If anyone suggested that to you, I disagree with it. My suggestion is that you try a number of different Al-Anon groups to find one that seems to be a fit for you, and then attend six or so meetings of that group with an open mind. Hopefully, you will find the support you need in Al-Anon. You may also wish to seek counseling but to be sure to find someone who is familar with alcoholism and its effects on loved ones. Check out my website for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic. Good luck.
Jan Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com