Addiction to Alcohol/break up with fiance

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 9/29/2008


Question
Dear Joseph,

I originally wrote to Derek and he replied, but now I have further questions and he's no longer available, so I'm writing to you in hopes you can help.

Derek indicated that his problems are most likely due to something that happened to him as a child.  Could this be something he doesn't remember or he's blocked from his mind?  His father was very over-bearing and perhaps even bullying to him, I know this; and his mother is a control-freak (in my opinion).

Now I'm feeling as if I've abandoned him.  Should I have offered to help....and if so, how?

He's never been married before either.  He's been in relationships and lived with someone for a couple of years, but never been married (he's 43).  Do you think this is related to the alcohol addiction or what happened to him as a child.....or both?

Please....I'm really searching and struggling here.  

Thank you.

Shelley

Answer
Greetings to you, Shelley.

You have written, and you asked:

>> Derek indicated that [my fiancé’s] problems are most likely due to something that happened to him as a child.
>> Could this be something he doesn't remember or he's blocked from his mind?

There are many things children do not remember, and it is not uncommon even for adults to push things “out of sight” into the backs of their minds.  However, the ability to deal with life and its realities at any age is something we all need to be taught over time and whether or not we have troubled pasts.  So then, yes, and overbearing father or a controlling mother could certainly do “damage” in the sense that a child is not likely being taught well by either, but the Twelve Steps make it possible for anyone to overcome his or her present difficulties even if certain incidents from the past never again come to light.

>> Now I'm feeling as if I've abandoned him.
>> Should I have offered to help....and if so, how?

IF he has a desire to stop drinking, point him toward “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book ... and remain at a safe distance (for your own sake and well as for his) until you are quite sure of his actual and permanent recovery.

>> He's never been married ...
>> Do you think this is related to the alcohol addiction or what happened to him as a child.....or both?

It is certainly possible he later turned to alcohol for relief from the pains and strains of old wounds, and it is also possible he essentially “clung to alcohol” as a sort of “lover” rather than risking the possibility of more pain in an actual relationship.  I am merely guessing a bit here, of course, but such is the experience of many alcoholics.

>> Please....I'm really searching and struggling here.

To attain true happiness, joy and freedom in life, all human beings need spiritual reconciliation and transformation.  The very least you might want to do is to pass that fact along to him via “Alcoholics Anonymous:, the book, and the very best you might do is to attend some Al-Anon meetings in hopes of finding someone who can help you through the Twelve Steps in the original A.A. way so you might later be able to share that same life-altering experience with your fiancé.

Please know you are always welcomed to write.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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