Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/9/2008

Question
I am the girlfriend of a man who is battling alcoholism.  He is in his fifties and has tried on and off for the last twenty years.  Twice he has gotten drunk and pushed me and tried to have sex with me without my assent.  Afterward, he denies it and says I'm "trying to start a fight."  He has been divorced for several years and has an elementary-school aged daughter; he shares custody of her with his ex-wife.  Last week, his ten year old daughter was so frightened that she called me and said "I think Daddy is drunk and I'm afraid of him...I'm afraid he's going to kill me."  
She wanted me to come over, but I refused not wanting to interfere or rile my boyfriend.  Her mother came and took her away--temporarily.  Now the boyfriend is going to AA, but the daughter is still frightened and wants to me to stay over to guard her.  I've tried to reassure her, but also gave her my phone numbers in case she needs me.  
When I tried to explain the daughter's fears, and what she told me, to my boyfriend he said, "She can't talk to you anymore.  It's none of your business."  Was I wrong?  I'm worried that he won't stay sober, and will harm her or me.  I would appreciate your take on the situation and how best to handle it.

Answer
Hello Jenny,
I truly regret that you are in this very difficult situation. Your boyfriend's alcoholism is at a serious stage, with negative personality change, aggressive, violent behaviors in blackouts apparently, with probable abuse of a minor child. I think there are two priorities here: the safety of your boyfriend's 10 year old daughter and your safety. Your boyfriend's alcoholism and need for treatment and support must come after these first two priorities are addressed. Since you have no legal standing with your boyfriend's daughter and may be vulnerable to charges against you for trying to help the young girl, I suggest working through the child's mother, if you can, to provide a safety net for the child, perhaps even discuss with the mother the possibility of getting Child Protective Services involved. I consider your going to the child's house to protect her to be very risky and suggest you not do that but try to find someone who can get the daughter out of that environment (the mother?). Certainly, you can be there emotionally for support for the child. Because of the dangerous behaviors of your boyfriend, his assaultive behaviors toward you, I suggest you consider taking the position with him that you cannot continue your relationship with him, or be with him, until he has had a solid period of sobriety. Such a tough love approach may help you to be safe and help him to be serious about recovery. Good luck. Check my website for more information and help.
Jan Willams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com