Expert: Druideck - 9/6/2008

Question
dear Druideck Please can you tell me how I can make my husband have contact with his children do you think this is possible.He has supposedly stopped drinking since last November but I actually doubt it.Normally I keep contact with him and try to keep contact with my boys aged 4 and 10 last time he saw them he went to his sisters saying he would phone us then didnt bother.Afew days later I wouldnt just let him come back up so he shouted at me on the phone that was May and that was the last I heard he didnt even phone our 10year old on his birthday.My 4 year old just started school and now notices the other Dads picking his classmates up,I am now faced with him every day asking about his Dad and why he keeps going away also I have a 17 year old who never speaks about his Dad what can I do its making me so sad I cant be Mum and Dad I have no relatives left so have no male figuireheads for my boys.My husband has been staying at his sisters and told her that I would have to get in touch with him first as theres no way he would get in touch with me,he also says he wont get in touch with the children in case he upsets them.Druideck I hate to see my children hurt.I have been married a long time and cant just get on with my life and forget all thats happened.Should I back down and beg him to see the boys or just try and soldier on

Answer
Carol,

I know it very sad to see a father that
doesn't seem to care but your
husband is wrapped up in his alcohol
problems.

Often as alcoholism progresses people
lose there ability to be responsible
or even to feel love for those
they would normally care about.

At this point he is not going
to be a good male role model
for your children.
He is modelling a lack of responsibility,
lack of caring and apathy or not
seeming to care.
He can not be forced to care or
to act as he should.
He is an individual and is making
his choices. His choices may
be designed to hurt or force you
into doing as he wishes. He knows
the power the children have over you
and he can use your desire for
a good family to manipulate you
to his will.
Often these acts of covert control
are because of how ill he has become
from his drinking.
Recovery takes much time and committment
for a person to change their way of life.
I suggest you take a look at why you
are trying to draw water from an empty
well. He may have lost the ability to
really love or care as demonstrated
by his behaviour.
He may stay this way or if he chooses
to seek help he could change.
Get the boys involved in other
activities where they can get support
from other adults and/or children.
There is big brothers and other
youth groups and camps etc where they
could see better male role models.
Hoping for him to change could take
a lifetime, that is too high a price.
Tell your boys he is ill and it affects
his ability to be a good father.
Tell them sometimes you have to let
go and love people as they are but
protect yourself from being mistreated
always.

Take care