Expert: Druideck - 9/19/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi
I have a problem with my father who has become an alcoholic since past 8 months. Not a single day has passed with out him drinking. When he gets drunk he become abusive. Once it happened that he abused over the phone all our relatives and friends. Sometimes he does that to the pass by strangers on the road. As I am  saying he drinks daily, at least twice a day. Is there any way I can get him out of this...
I will be indebted  to you my entire life if you can get me through this situation.

Thanks
Dileep

ANSWER: Dileep,

I know it is distressing to watch
your father in this condition.
It is difficult to deal with
because he is making the choices
that lead to drinking.
If he does not want help it is
not easy to help him.

The only things that are helpful
are perhaps leaving some literature
about alcoholism about where he
might read it. A professioal counsellor
can help you arrange an intervention
where loved ones can confront
your father in a controlled
setting. This involves keeping
a journal of his behaviour and
the dates involved. Also your
feelings at the time of the events.
This may be very hard to do and
it may make him resentful of your
interference. He may decide to accept
help is the hope of an intervention.

Since he is an adult no one can force
him to change or to stop drinking.
This is not your fault and
he may accept help at some point
if allowed to experience the consequences
of his drinking behaviours.

Don't help him to drink, and don't
cover up for his behaviours.
He may get sick of being sick and tired
and then you can offer to take him
to detox, counselling or AA meetings
which are free.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your kindness. I think you understood my concern. There are some more things here you need to know. As you have said he is finding reasons to drink and since my mother and sisters stay with him, they are the ultimate sufferers and they can not even bear the smell and it is making them really sick. They do not dare to tell him because asking him to reduce or stop is making him more angry and he becomes abusive. But I am scared at the thought what happens to him if he continues this way, drinking daily. He is asking me for money and I am hesitant to give. But if I do not he may become violent. I really do not know how to make this stop. Can you suggest some medication for this which makes him just sleep and do nothing. I think I forgot to mention you that he was under medication for over two years for depression. He has now stopped them. When he was under the medication all he does is sleep all the day and night.

Answer
Dileep,

he will just buy more alcohol
if you give him money. If he
needs things like food, get him some
but do not give him money which he
can buy drinks with.
I would suggest that he knows he can
control your family with anger.
If he is violent they may need to leave
to take care of themselves.
Violence should not be tolerated as
it just allows him to behave worse
and someone might be harmed.
I suggest getting some professional
advice from your local mental health
service so they can tell you what
help they can offer your family.
Do not do anything that helps
him to keep drinking.
If he gets angry so be it,
if he gets violent make sure everyone
stays away and call the police if you must.
Perhaps they would take him to a detox
to dry out and talk to him about
getting treatment for alcoholism.
It is not kindness to allow him
to treat you all badly. It is hurting
him more when people let his behaviour
persist. You may have to stand up to him,
he is only a person the same as you.
He may be very surprised when his family
is no longer willing to be abused.
This may give him more reason to
seek help to stop drinking as he will
see he can not run all your lives with his
anger. Remember you have as much power
as he in this matter, probably more.