Expert: Druideck - 9/15/2008

Question
Hello. I am having issues with my current boyfriend. We have been together for 18 months, and he is a wonderful person most of the time. My four year old daughter and I share a home with him. For the past 6 months I have noticed odd behavior. It started in March when he did not come home on my birthday until 2 a.m., which was on a Monday. My parents say he drinks all of thier alcohol and waters the rest down when he is at their house. Sometimes he is late like 30 minutes coming home from work, and he makes up elaborate stories as to why. Yesterday I found a reciept for a fifth of vodka in the garbage. When confronted, he got extremely upset and swore it wasn't his. Later in the day, I found an empty fifth of vodka matching the brand on the reciept. When confronted again, he exhibited the same extreme distress and denial. He even told me to go up to the liquor store and ask the cashiers if he had been there, stating "when you prove yourself wrong, I am going to need an incentive because an apology won't be good enough". He is very argumentive with my family, friends, and me, but not all the time. You see, what I am afraid of is hurting him because I have a suspicion. I am not comfortable telling him to move out and then being wrong to do so. I love him but I will not put up with an alcoholic. My gut says he is in denial and is a very artistic liar, but I don't know how far to carry this game of "prove it". Please help.

Answer
Jodi,

many of the things you mentioned are
classic behaviours of an alcoholic.
Hiding drinks, denial of the problem,
lying to cover up drinking,
sneaking or stealing drinks from
other sources like mom and dad.

He is likely trying to cover
up the extent of his addiction.
Denial is a mighty force and
coupled with projecting the
problem onto others due to
guilt and self-hatred the alcoholic
can be almost oblivious to his
obviously strange behaviour.

I suggest you start a log or
journal of the dates, times
and his behaviour that
you feel is odd.
Gather some hard proof and
try not to confront him
as he will try to deny any
problem and may start confusing
you into doubting yourself.

This kind of information can
be used later if his behaviour
does not improve.

He is an adult that needs to be
left to his own choices.
If he truly wants to drink
he does not need to hide it.
If he is tired of being a slave
to alcohol then he needs to get
humble and serious enough to seek
help from counselling, treatment
and AA meetings for support.

Often alcoholics will play
many games and have elaborate ways
of doing that.
These lies, denial and cover ups
are designed to help them hide their
illness and to keep drinking without
interference.

It is easy to get caught up in the
drama and the desire to help or fix
them which ultimitely fails if they
are not ready to accept any help.

They often need to lose much before
they can let go of their drug
of choice and seek a healthier way
of life.

You can often get alcoholism tests
and information on the internet.
Perhaps he would be willing at
some point to take the assessments.

Don't waste too much time fighting
an illness, it can not be beaten
with logic, threats, complaining
or love. He has to make the
choice to look at the reality
of his drinking. It will be obvious
to you if he has a problem if you
keep a journal and look at
how things unfold.

An intervention can sometimes work
but has to be organized by a professional.
It can also result in more resentment
by the alcoholic.
Don't let him fool you as he may
become very creative to hide things.