Expert: Druideck - 9/17/2008

Question
Hello,
Please help me understand what the heck is going on.  I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4 years. About a year in a half ago he finally went to treatment.  While in treatment (a week later) he called me to break off the relationship.  I was deviated.  While we were together, he did not work pay bills or have a car.  Currently he remained sober for 15 months and got his life on track.  While sober he cut off all contact with me.  About 2 months ago he began to drink again, he contacted me the night he was drinking.  I was shocked, when I called him the next day he was sober and accused me of making him mad and changed his number.  A month ago he called again, drunk.  I went to see him the night he called me.  I was very in love with this man, so I wanted to see him.  After that a week later I saw him again and we spent 2 days together, while he was drinking.  We had sex and I have not heard from him again.  I've figured out that when he's sober during the work week he does not want to speak to me and when it's the weekend and when the "many females" he claims he has are not around he calls me.  When he was drunk last time we were together, he said he thought we should get back together and I knew better than to belive him since I knew the beer was talking not him.  I fell horrible.  I have not heard from him and I feel addicted to him.  He will not talk to me and when we were together after he began drinking again he constantly told me that he sleeps with lots of girls and has lots of females in his life.  I've asked him to keep his life private and that I would keep my life private.  He cannot do that and turns around and tells me that the man I'm seeing is a loser.  I know I should avoid all contact with him, but I've become obsessed with trying to be part of his life again.  He made it seem to me that we could be part of eachother's lives.  I went to his house which before he did not want me to know where he was living and I brought him to my house.  Why does this man do this to me?  I know I am basically allowing this behavior since I pick my phone up whenever he calls, but why won't he talk to me?  I'm sure he doesn't remember half of the conversations we have when he's drunk, but why me?  We broke up almost 2 years ago and he knows he hurt me really bad, so why would he continue to do this to me?

Also, He mentioned that he only went to rehab so that he could stay sober long enough to get his life back on track. IE: work, rent a bedroom out, pay off fees to court to be allowed to drive again and buy a car.  He said that he knew he would drink again.  This this mean he is still an alcoholic?  Can he still be an alcoholic if he does not drink during the work week but drinks on the weekend?

Answer
Lena,

you basically pegged the problem when
you said you feel addicted to him.

This guy has living problems and
alcohol problems. He is not
honest with you and he seems
to be using you. Yet you keep
contact with him and let him
treat you badly. Why?
Getting back to my first sentence
about addiction.
He can definitely be an alcoholic
even if he only drinks weekends.

Alcoholism is more about the patterns
a person develops when drinking
than when and how much they drink.
Often we are attracted to certain
kinds of people for whatever reason.

People in relationships with
alcoholics have to look at their
own behaviour patterns.

Why would you want a man that
drinks, has no job, is irresponsible,
treats you badly and has other women.
He only runs back to you when he
is drunk or lonely/desparate.
This man is not paying you any complements.

He is obscessed and feels a compulsion
for alcohol.
You are obscessed and feel a compulsion
for him, see the similarities?

Addictions can take many forms
and always end up in pain no
matter how promising it may seem.
It is not love to be driven to
contact or be involved with a troubled
man. It is a relationship addiction.

It is driven by the need to be needed.
It is the hope that this man can
fulfill your dreams of love even
though he never will because
of his own lack of wholeness.

You will continue to be hurt
and used until you decide
to break this off.
You have to stop playing the game
and accepting the scraps of
attention he gives you.
You don't need him, you are
a whole person alone.

Please get a copy online or at a
bookstore of Robin Norwood's
"Women who love too much" books.
Keep reading it until you see what
is happening between you and this
unrecovered alcoholic.
This will open a new world and
a path to true happiness, wholeness
and love.