Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/15/2008

Question
Hello. I am so nervouse to put this sentence down, it means this is really an issue.
I have been married for only a year, and before that my husband and i dated for almost 4 years. So, I knew him before we married and I feel like I should have seen this coming.
I am in recovery for narcotics, I had a very troubled youth and it is a daily struggle for me to avoid the urge to use. USE ANYTHING, but I know I can't.
However, I do have an ocassional drink with dinner, or if we are out visiting family and such. Listen I know, drinking=not sober, but I am very comfortable with my ability to refuse drinks and have not "fallen off the wagon" since leaving my halfway house.
My question is this: my husband is now drinking excessivly, scarily, at all hours, in the morning, at lunch, in the car, on the drive home from work. He drinks and passes out in the living room and then drinks for another hour or so when he wajes up at 1 or 2.  On sunday, he purchased 24 beers on the basis that it was his beer for the week and the upcoming fishing trip he and his friend are going on this weekend. So, que up Monday morning and all but 1 beer are gone and so is the tequila bottle I didnt even know was in the house.
I feel like such a fool.
My question is...how do I approach him about this? I know that recovery is something you have to WANT, but I feel like he needs to understand, or at least know, that this is not okay with me. Is there a way to approach him without infuriating him? he has a very quick temper about many things and often resorts to attack behavior (not physically) when he feels pressured or disapproval. The past times he has decided that I amjust trying to control him, and "I am a grown Man" type stuff.
Please give me a tip about how to begin the dialogue needed to begin to work on this. thank you for your time,
kate

Answer
Hello Kate,
This is such a difficult situation for you, as a newlywed and a person in recovery, to have a husband whose drinking is clearly alcoholic, close to physical dependence on alcohol! The best approach is to sit him down if at all possible when he has not been drinking (or not much), and tell him that you love him and honestly express your concerns about his drinking. At some point, if he continues drinking in the pattern you describe, you may have to consider telling him that you cannot continue to be with him and watch him destroy himmself with alcohol; that until he stops drinking and gets help, hopefully including attendance of AA, your relationship cannot continue. However, being able to take that position often requires a lot of support and work on yourself. So, I also recommend you begin attending meetings of Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Also, see my website for help for persons who love an alcoholic: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html
Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com