Expert: Clyde - 9/13/2008

Question
i am currently in a relationship with an alcoholic. we were social acquaintances 4 years back. now that he has been divorced for a year, he got in touch in June...he lives in Dubai so we keep in touch on the phone text etc... the first two months he would call all the time but then he suddenly disappeared, he would call sometime in the middle of the night ....his wife has custody of his two children and he misses them a lot . he talks a lot about wanting to die ...keeps watching  leaving Las Vegas'
he can be very generous, attentive and affectionate. says he is confused would like to get married again but feels this may not be fair to his kids.
now he wants to come and see me  end of this month, he has been promising this for months, we haven't met in all this time..
in July he went off  to London on vacation, but didn't come and see me....he would call from there all the time though.
since i didn't react to his disappearance i thinks Beth hates my guts, becomes rude.....what does he want. he has shared a lot of his secrets with me and i know he feels lonely , but i cant help him if he keeps pushing me away.
i feel very involved but am not sure where this could lead. he is not drinking these days' as he is fasting.
why is he suddenly so rude to me?

ps: please do not put my  name or email adress in  public

Answer
Sara,
    Thank you for your questions and I apologize for the delay in answering.

    The long and the short of it is this: Your friend has not been sober long enough to have embraced the idea of sobriety.  Sobriety does start with not drinking but the alcoholic who "gets the message" about life as a drunk versus being free of alcohol begins to experience a new way of thinking.  It is not so much a "drinking" thing as it is a "thinking" thing.

    He evidently is having some real tough times dealing with the loss of a marriage, probably newly dry from not drinking, wanting to have a new relationship with you, etc.  It is all so convoluted in his mind that he is confused and dazed.

    He is not going to be a person with whom you can depend nor trust right now.  Secret sharing is one thing, but dealing with the behaviors that have caused the secrets to be so destructive to one's thinking is another. The counselors will tell you to be wary of someone who divulges such information too soon and too fully in a new relationship.  Too many times the person who does this is hoping that if they dump all the surprises then they are being honest and ready to change to make better relationships.  Truth of the matter is they have not done the tough work of healing from the past.  They must do that before they can really move one.

     I would guess this person is rude to you because they sense the "dis-ease" they feel knowing life has not been so rosy and having feelings deep inside that they will not be able to be any different with you.  This is bound to be confusing and frustrating.

    I would suggest that you bow out of this relationship to the extent that you don't place too much hope in it.  Move on to in your life and let this person come to some better understandings of where they are.  If you two are meant to be, then you will sense when he is treating you in the way that you feel comfortable and loved.

   I hope this helps and write again if I can answer any other questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde