Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/28/2009

Question
My mother has been an alcoholic since right after I was born and I am now 28yrs old.  Before that she was into every kind of drug you can think.  My sister (who is seven years older than I) was married, pregnant, and out of the house by 15yoa.  I had to stay and suffer through the years until I became 15yoa and them my step father, my sister, and I thought it would be best to finish out my High school years living with my sister and her family.  Luckily I had this "out" and finished school, college, got married and now have a toddler and a child on the way.  

During this time my mother has been in and out of medical detox and rehab at least 8 times and continues to do the brief recovery then relapse cycle.  She has gotten to the point where her "normal" self is being at least 4x's the legal limit of intoxication.  This enables her to "function" as a semi normal human being.  She has gotten to the point that if she is not that intoxicated she starts throwing up, having seizures, hallucinations, and her blood pressure is through the roof.  She is also sometimes suicidal and she is constantly jaundiced.   

Two weeks ago she called my sister asking that she take her somewhere, "anywhere" for help and detox.  My sister complied and took her to a place that her very limited insurance would cover with a very high copay.  Needless to say, after the medical detox lasting 3days she was out and back to being hammered again.  

She is a very abusive, confrontational, mean, and physical drunk.  Her excuse used to be the commute to work (which she can no longer hold a job), then it moved to family issues or her parents ignoring her when she was a kid, now her excuse is that it is a disease and we (my family and I) just have to deal with it like we would have to deal with her having cancer or some other disease.

I know this is a disease, I know that alcoholics have to hit their "bottom" and want to get help, I understand that she has hidden issues that needs to be dealt with in order for her to "recover".  I have seen Intervention and shows of the like and know the whole deal.

I am just at my whits end.  She doesn't want to do the "rehab" part of the process because she gets "pissed" off when the doctor's ask her about her problems.  She says she doesn't believe in the 12 step process or AA and that they do not help her.  She frankly has been in so many facilities in her area that they will no longer accept her due to her aggressive behavior and her insurance doesn't completely cover "rehab" to the full extent that I personally think she needs.

I am currently pregnant with my second child and really physically, mentally, and emotionally can't deal with the stress of this right now.  I just don't know what to do.  I have told her that it is too hard on me and that she can no longer contact me until she decides to get help.  The problem is she is out of options and doesn't want help.  She is slowly killing herself and her local authorities know her by name.  What do you do with someone like this?  We can't forcibly commit her (we have tried), although I think it would do her good.

Answer
Hi Michelle,

I noticed your letter has been sitting in the question pool for quite some time and no one has picked it up. If you'd like a quicker response, you can direct your question to any one of us.

Unfortunately, no one can get an alcoholic to make changes in their lives. You're Mom has a serious problem and all of you know this.

She needs follow-up, AA meetings etc after rehab, but even then there can be relapses.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment_recovery.html

Your Mom is resisting continuous treatment and is on the road to destruction. You and your family are powerless to do anything. It would be helpful for you to go to Al Anon meetings. These groups are based on the 12 steps, but they're for families of alcoholics. Al Anon is a support group and the members are extremely helpful because they're all dealing with similar problems. Find a meeting in your area.

You cannot commit her, but she may get entangled with the law - and that's where she may be forced to change.

As a child, this is not easy to watch. Focus on the good things in your life and stay strong.

Hope this information is helpful,
Thanks for writing All Experts

Good luck!!

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com