Expert: Druideck - 1/27/2009

Question
My boyfriend of seven years is a functioning alcoholic.  He drinks 2-4 nights a week depending on his work schedule.  Before we got serious he always told me to never ask him to change.  Over the years I realized what a hugh problem this was.  2 nights ago I seen him urinating in the laundry room, trying to let the dogs outside and not being able too then trying to wrap the dogs in our placemats.  I am sad by this situation.  He also takes 6-10 sleeping pills a night to enhance his "high".  Watching him breaks my heart and I know for the saftey of my kids and myself that this relationship cannot go on.  I spoke with him and he says he doesnt want to go to aadac because he knows too many of the people.  He thinks he can overcome this on his own.  He wants me to take his wallet away before the weekend and told me he plans on going to bed right after a movie on the weekends.  I want to believe him but I also have read all the stories on how this never works.  I need to know how to stop loving him because I know what is going to happen.

Answer
Jacqueline,

It sounds like he is heading for
self-destruction and no one can
stop him but himself.

This is the terrible thing about
alcoholics in denial of their illness.
your boyfriend will have to get
to the point where his life becomes
more important than his pride.
Going to AADAC could save his life
if he gets over his fear of seeing
people he knows there.

The important thing is to do what you
need to do in caring for yourself and
your children.

Alcoholism is rarely overcome without
getting counselling, treatment/rehab
and often daily AA attendance.
People go to great lengths to avoid
these solutions.

Often alcoholics  will even die from accidents
or health problems.
Insanity and jail is another possibility.
They often lose their wives, girlfriends and
children and still keep drinking.
This is how powerful alcohol addictions are.
Taking away his wallet is just an act
of desperation. If he decides to drink he
will find a way.

All these attempts to control his drinking
will fail eventually, I know from over twenty
years of experience with alcoholism.
The good thing is if he continues to fail
on his own he may start to see how serious
this problem is.
This might be the final straw that
helps him shed his false pride and
get busy with seeking out some recovery plans.

Your job is to let go of him so he
can fail. Don't argue, make deals, extract
promises he cannot keep.
His promises may sound convincing but he has not
come to realize how powerful his
alcoholism is.

You do not need to stop loving him just
stay out of his way unless he gets help.
Get away or visit someone or go to
Alanon meetings for support.

The trick is not to get involved in his
problems. Let him face things himself
as an adult should.
This is called detachment, it means to
keep caring but minimize your involvement.
You may have to split up if he keeps on
without getting help.
Remember he is ill and many people do
recover from alcoholism with help from
treatment centers and AA.
Don't help him to carry on this way,
let the bad times be his teacher.


























Still they will not seek help.