AboutRebos Expertise If you think that you or someone that you care about is having a problem with alcohol, ask me a question, I may be able to help you. I have over 39 years of experience dealing with alcohol recovery and I am willing to share that experience with you. Alcoholism is a disease, and there is no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame is in doing nothing about it!
Experience Over 39years of experience in the field of alcoholism and alcoholic recovery.
Question I've been married to my husband for 5 yrs. This is a 2nd marriage for me, a 1st for him and he is 5 yrs younger than me. I have a 24 yr old daughter from my first marriage. She has not lived with us for 3 yrs. We are extremely happy and totally devoted to each other. Friends always tell us that you can tell we're in love just by looking at us. My husband is helpful around the house, loves to help in the kitchen, does the laundry and waits on me. I love him and can't imagine what I would do if I ever lost him. So what's my problem?? I think he has a drinking problem. You see, along with all the wonderful attributes he has, he also has a serious medical condition. he has a seizure disorder. It's technically not Epilepsie, it's just a seizure disorder. He take high doses of seizure control meds daily. Missing a single does can cause a seizure within 2 to 3 hours.
Before we were married, he told me he used to drink alot and it had gotten out of control. But he stopped and doesn't drink like that anymore. The entire 18 months before we were married, he never had a single drink. However, over the past 5 yrs, I have "caught" him drinking or have had a drink on several different occassions. I'm not completely against drinking, but all things in moderation. If he has a 6 pack in the house and wants a beer with the game, I'd be ok with that. But that's not how it goes. He has to have to entire 6 pack. Honestly, 2 beers in an hours and he's a sloppy, slurry, agitated, obnoxious drunk. His entire tone of voice, personality, and mannerisms change. It's disgusting and so terribly sad and it just mkes me want to get away from him. We talked about it, initially and he argues that he's a grown man and show be able to drink if he wants to. He says that I don't have the right to tell him that he can drink. He says it's not dangerous with his meds, but the doctor didn't agree when I asked him at the next appointment. I've found empty bottles of Jack Daniels, Tequilla, any brand of cheap whiskey in the couch cushions, under the mattress, and the bed and under the sink in the bathroom. I have confronted him every time. Every time he swears that he won't do it again. But he does. 2 yrs ago his Uncle moved in with us. The uncle lives 2 1/2 hrs from us but he got a union job in our town here, so he stays with us 3 nights a week. The uncle is an alcoholic and so is his wife. The uncle drinks in his room at night alone. He usually goes up to bed about 9:00pm but I've heard him rattling around till 11:00pm some nights.
There are nights that I have to work a little late and it seems that that's when he take advantage and will do a shot or two with his uncle. As soon as I walk in the door, I can tell he's had a drink. First, I can smell it a mile away. Second, his facial expressions give him away. His speech is a bit slurred as well. A t first I try to play it off like I don't care but he doesn't know when to leave things alone and he keeps talking to me and hanging on me until I lose it. It always ends up in a fight and I end up crying and alone in the bedroom. We talk the next day and the promises are made and believed. Then 3 or 4 months later, it happens again.
Tonight was the night...I cam ehome from work early not feeling well. I went to the doctor and I have the flu. I called him at work and when he came home, he brought me some soft tissues, a hot cup of tea,my cell phone so I could text him if I needed anything and a yogurt. We talked for afew minutes, then he said that he and his uncle would make dinner and he see me in a bit. That was at 5pm, at 9:30pm I texted him for more tea. He didn't respond and then 15 minutes later walked into the room. I was sitting up and asked him if he got my text and he said no. He reached in his pocket and said oh I didn't feel it vibrate. I knew right then, he'd had a drink. The way he was standing,and his speech gsve it away.
So here I am, downstairs, alone and not wanting to go up into bed with him but I'm sick and really would like to lay down. I feel like I'm living a nightmare every time he drinks and he just doesn't get it.
So here's my question... is he an alcoholic or am I just being a bitch? Do I have the right to tell him not to drink? Besides the medical issue, I can't stand him when he's had a drink. Is it possible for him to be that drunk on a shot or 2 like he says he has?
Anything you can suggest would be really appreciated.
Julia
Answer Good afternoon Julia and thank you for your question. There are twelve questions that are used to determine if a person is having a problem with alcohol:The questions should actually be directed to the drinker, but if you know your husband's drinking habits they may make you suspicious enough to confront him about his drinking.
1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?
3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?
5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?
11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.
12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.
If drinking is causing problems then drinking is a problem. Not-withstanding whether your husband answers 4 questions in the affirmative. Your marriage is in trouble and your husband is in denial!It appears as though you have become an "enabler".
I am sorry for your husband’s health problem. Not only is he in denial about his alcoholism, but he has the “poor me’s” about his health situation.
The first thing that I would like to tell you is that if your husband is an alcoholic (as you described… and I think that he is) all the begging in the world will not get him to stop drinking. You as his wife and he as the addicted alcoholic are beyond the point where you or he has control as to whether he drinks or not! Both you and he are totally powerless over his drinking. The second thing is that you should never, ever make any threats to him that you are not 100% sure that you intend to follow through with.
If you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.
Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. Of course your husband will not want to go to a Detox or AA, because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells you that you are ok when your life is falling apart. Alcoholics are famous for blaming people, places and things for their drinking. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!
Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET, MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. I assume that your husband is seeking medical attention for his seizures. His doctor would not be happy if he knew that he was drinking.
I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to a program like AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Think carefully before you say anything to him about his stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! Once again remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with! I personally feel that his uncle
is a bad influence on your husband's drinking. It's not that it will stop him from drinking... alcoholism is a disease the AMA says that it is. Once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again.
I feel that you have become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person.
Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!
Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self...you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem. It is your call as to telling your husband that you are going to Alanon because of his drinking.
If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up. If you do have an intervention please make sure that it is run by a professional who has experience in running one. Thank you, Rebos
