Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/23/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Mr. O,

I am writing you, because your responses are so clear; and, I really appreciate clarity in the world of alcoholism.

Background:
My husband and I just divorced after 10 years of marriage -he left me after 8 yrs, and we lived 2 yrs separated. We have 2 beautiful young children. The marriage, at the end, was classic alcholic-codependent in full denial.  However, it started with two immature people who loved each other deeply, then alcohol abuse, then codie abuse, then alcoholism, then full codie/eotional/verbal buse from me. Ironically, I never relly believed that he had a problem with alcohol until after he left.  Such was my denial. (Let me add that we have a son with autism, my husband never made more than $300/week, we were in great debt, i worked two jobs to support us) About 1 month before he left, I had an affair.  It was an act of selfish vengeance.  And desire to feel loved too. It was Awful.  His mother helped him leave.

But our relationship never ended.  His drinking worsened until a DUI (he called me to bail him out/I did) forced him int detox, admission of alcoholism, dabbling in AA, relapses.  One year later (last April), during his last relapse, he filed for divorce, joined AA and started working the steps.  I had joined Al-Anon in March and cntinue to work the program. I begged for him not to divorce, and his sponsor recommended he wait until he finish the steps before deciding.  He said he was too hurt, that he wanted to try to work it out after divorcing, that he didn't trust me, that he was afraid I would hurt him again, that he was afraid that i would get crazy (read codie) again and that he couldn't take that risk. He said he would do therapy, but not until the divorce was final.  (We did one session of therapy before the mediation; I told my lawyer and he found out; he became angry and stopped it)He put off the divorce date 2x but kept saying it was inevitable.  We mediated an agreement.  I finally set a date for divorce and it happened last week.  The entire time we have not stopped having a romantic relationship.  Even on the day of the divorce, he called to tell me he loved me and wanted to work it out.  He said he had a potential job offer that would be good for "us."  When I asked him about it the next day, he said that he hadn't made any promises but wanted to work towards an "us." We spent that weekend hanging out together.  When our son asked him if I was his ex-wife, he said "Your mother is my everything" and kissed me.

That same day (this past sunday),he said he had a job interview in Texas and would be leaving for 8 days.  he said he would be focusing on himself and his step work (he says he's on 8 - but I haven't seen an amends)and would not be in contact with me at all.  His family lives in texas and he said he would likely not be with them either.(for the 1st time in 12 years, i do not know where he is, how he is, etc) I have not contacted him, save for an email regarding a school issue with our son to which he replied directly to the school and not to me. He said he would call me when he got back.

OK.  Here's my question...Should I believe him when he says that he wants to make it work and that he is deeply in love with me but still healing?  Or is he just manpulating me? Why does he not forgive me?  I have forgiven him?  I am working my program faithfully.  I know the real answer is to let the path that God has made unfold.  But my heart is still reeling and I just CANNOT UNDERSTAND/ACCEPT what happened to my best friend, my love, my marriage. I just need a clear perspective please.

Thank you.

ANSWER: Greetings to you, Laurie.

You have asked:

>> Should I believe him when he says he wants to make it work and that he is deeply in love with me but still healing?

Yes, if you wish, but that does not mean anything will ever actually change.  The first problem there would be found in either of you actually believing you even *can* make it work ... and here is the essence of why I say that:

“The first requirement [before taking Step Three] is that we be convinced that any [drunk or sober] life run on self-will [or still dependent upon one’s own alleged ‘power’] can hardly be a success ...
“... Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?  Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 60-61)

He likely wants your relationship to work so *he* can be happy, and he possibly believes he *could* make it work after he “heals” a bit and thereby gets over his self-pity.  But the bottom line there is that he is still running on self-will and self-reliance ... and that never ultimately works out well for any human being.

You have asked:

>> Or is he just manipulating me?

Maybe not in any conscious or intentional sense, but he still only keeps you in mind for his own selfish or self-centered reasons.

>> Why does he not forgive me?

Because he still practices “constant thought of himself” rather than “constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” (page 20)  And of course, he will never be capable of anything other than that until after he has actually and really *taken* (not “worked”) the Steps.

>> I know the real answer is to let the path that God has made unfold.

No, that is not how things really work.  Rather, we must be shown the way to and through a very narrow gate (Step One) and then begin to actually walk a clearly-laid-out path that truly goes somewhere ... and neither you nor your husband will likely ever find that kind of help in any of today’s AA or Al-Anon.

>> I just CANNOT UNDERSTAND/ACCEPT what happened to my best friend, my love, my marriage. I just need a clear perspective please.

Breaking free of that “delusion s/he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if s/he only manages well” is the key to gaining a clear perspective, and I will gladly do whatever I can to help either or both of you along that line.

Please know you are always welcomed to write ...

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/restored/


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Lee,

Thank you so much for your response.  

You wrote: "we must be shown the way to and through a very narrow gate (Step One) and then begin to actually walk a clearly-laid-out path that truly goes somewhere ..."

How am I shown the way?  What is the path and where does it go?

You also said: "Breaking free of that “delusion s/he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if s/he only manages well.”

I want to break free, and I ask your help iin this please.

Answer
Greetings again, Laurie.

You have asked:

>> How am I shown the way [to and through a very narrow gate (Step One)]?

Through "mutual vulnerability, openly shared" (Ernest Kurtz) ... and that amounts to something like this ...

"... my friend sat before me, and he made the point-blank declaration that ‘God’ [the Creator of all] had done for him what he could not do for himself.  His human will had failed.  Doctors had pronounced him incurable.  Society was about to lock him up.  Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat.  Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known!
"Had this power originated in him?  Obviously it had not.  There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute; and this was none at all." (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 11)

... and that is the essence of Steps One and Two ...

“If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life [such as propagated throughout today’s AA and Al-Anon] were sufficient to overcome [our troubles], many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.  But where and how were we to find this Power?
“Well, that's exactly what this book [‘Alcoholics Anonymous’] is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.” (pages 44-45)

>> What is the [clearly-laid-out path that truly goes somewhere] and where does it go?

“Here are the steps we took ...” (page 59)

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit ...” (page 164)
“There you will find release from care, boredom and worry.  Your imagination will be fired.  Life will mean something at last.  The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead.  Thus we find the fellowship [we share within ‘the Fellowship of the Spirit’], and so will you.” (page 152)

You have written:

>> I want to break free [of that "delusion s/he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if s/he only manages well"], and I ask your help in this please.

Being honest with myself about my powerlessness to successfully manage my own life was not difficult after having tried and failed for 31 years ... and maybe something similar will prove true for you.  We made our best efforts at life for just as long as we could stand their inevitable outcomes, and now we can see the foolishness of even thinking about continuing to rely upon ourselves ... then ...

“When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God.  Our ideas [of relying upon ourselves] did not work.  But the [reliance-upon-] God idea did.” (page 52)

“Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough.  Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve [any of our problems] ...
“Perhaps there is a better way - we think so.  For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God.  We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves.  We are in the world to play the role He assigns.  Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.” (page 68)

The Twelve Steps are about being enabled to see reality clearly – we do not have the power to successfully manage our own lives (Step One) – and about being empowered – God can and will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves (Step Two) – to endure within it.  Having admitted Step One and having accepted Step Two, we next have a decision to make:

“If you are as seriously [troubled] as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution.  We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.  This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort ...” (pages 25-26)

“We thought well before taking [Step Three,] making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him ...” (page 63)

... and we then follow through on that mere decision by taking Steps Four through Nine.  Many people prefer (or are deceptively encouraged) to attempt to “work” the Steps in a utilitarian way for personal gain, of course, but the outcome of that kind of effort is never the same as the ultimate result of utterly abandoning our wills and our lives into the care and direction of the very One who first created us all.  Once again:

“If a mere code of morals [religion] or a better philosophy of life [psycho-babble] were sufficient to overcome [our troubles], many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral [like religious folks say we should], we could wish to be philosophically comforted [like therapists seem to promise], in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.” (pages 44-45)

So then, the “breaking free” you have mentioned begins with the abandonment of any kind of idea we might yet be able to pull ourselves up out of the pit if we just keep trying hard enough for long enough ...

Personally, my own approach to life was killing me and causing a lot of harm to others around me, and I knew that.  And so ...

“... we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.  When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.  We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
“The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe.  The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous.  He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” (page 25)

Please write again and I will make an honest effort to respond more quickly!

Peace to you,

LeeJosephO (Joe)