Expert: Clyde - 1/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Clyde, thanks for the advice in the past. My husband was out of the house for a while but then told me that he was back in his program and really wanted to start the new year with me and my son and that we were all going to have a great 2009. So because I wanted that  so much too, I believed him I let him come home. Well he was not even there a week and then the delusions started again. He found a spot on the couch and said this was evidence of my affair, packed up and left. I made my own resolution now that he can not be part of our life if he is drinking. So we are talking about getting lawyers and separating. I am just incredibly sad. I have been reading some of your other answers and I know I can not control what his choices are. That fact that one week we mean the world to him and he wants to have a life with us and the next week he says I am the biggest mistake he made in his life is so hard to understand and accept. I am torn between holding on to my dream of being a family and giving up and just getting divorced. Laurel

ANSWER: Laurel,
    Thank you for your follow-up on where things stand right now with you and your husband.  I know he is recently back in the program but I am wondering why you state that "I made my own resolution now that he can not be part of our life if he is drinking."   Does this mean that the delusions were in conjunction with his drinking again?  This is a key piece of the picture.

   If he was drinking after coming home, I can understand the delusional thinking and the accusations - it simply says he has not changed.  But if he was not drinking and still having the delusional thinking and accusations then this is another thing.

   I say this because initially it would appear that the alcohol was causing some of the mental instability and after some time off the hooch this should begin to change somewhat.  It may not clear completely because he has a long, long way to go on the road to recovery before he can address the behaviors that need to change.  Stopping drinking is the most important thing.  If that does not occur there is not much hope.

    Since he is out of the house, at least you do not have to deal with the mistreatment and that is a good thing.  My suggestion is that if he is not sober, working a good solid program, talking to a sponsor almost daily, being honest with you and that sponsor, then it may be best that you prayerfully consider the separation - not divorce right away.

   Separation will give you two time to really decide what you each want out of the situation.  It will free you up to make a decision at some point to seek divorce and move on with the grieving of a lost marriage but the hope for a renewed life with someone else or very happily single.  If he will agree to separate amiably then this is probably wise.  You also have no control over who he will find himself to be once truly sober.  We are changed beings after sobriety and chances are you will not recognize a sober husband - that is my experience.

   I will hope that he will indeed sober up and find out who he is really supposed to be.  That gives him a life back that has been stolen.  It will mean a lot of hurt and loss for you but in the end all parties will be better off.  You can not live with a person who you do not know and who does not themselves.

   Your confusion is understandable because he is also confused but does not know it yet.  His double speak is understandable because he has not had a spiritual awakening to realize how he is affecting others.  Being told one day he loves you both and the next being told you are a bad mistake in his life is a sad thing.  It is not something you deserve and it is something I feel that he is just clueless to understand.

   Much prayer and letting God direct you in your life is going to be paramount to your making a decision.  When you do, stick to it, don't look back and continue to follow where you believe God would want you to be.

   I hope this helps give a little more insight into alcoholics and their struggle with the disease.

   Write again if I may be of any more help and thanks again for the update.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clyde, your insight into an alcoholics struggle has been super helpful. It does explain the crazy behavior that is part of your life when an alcoholic is part of your family. My husband did go back  to the drinking after restarting the program. It is getting harder to tell when he is telling the truth or lying. He is a really good liar, and always says just what he need to say to pull me back in. I am going to try to stay strong and let him go. His most resent message today told me to hang myself for ruining his life. Thanks again for your help. Laurel

Answer
Laurel,
   Thank you for your follow-up note.  His words to you are disconcerting and I would suggest that you be wary of any actions he may make toward you.  Telling you to die because of his life is  signs of a very hurt and angry individual.  Be careful.

    The untreated alcoholism in some individuals is often a sign of some deeply felt psychological distress for which they need help.  But it is their responsibility to get the help they need.  He has tried through AA and hopefully he had some sponsorship who tried to convey he needed professional help.  We know we do not have the expertise to help psychologically distressed people - the professionals are for that.

   Once again, be careful and watch for any signs of danger.  Call the police if necessary.

   Write again if I can be of any help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde