Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 1/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Jan,

My husband and I just divorced after 10 years of marriage -he left me after 8 yrs, and we lived 2 yrs separated. We have 2 beautiful young children. The marriage, at the end, was classic alcholic-codependent in full denial.  However, it started with two immature people who loved each other deeply, then alcohol abuse, then codie abuse, then alcoholism, then full codie/eotional/verbal buse from me. Ironically, I never relly believed that he had a problem with alcohol until after he left.  Such was my denial. (Let me add that we have a son with autism, my husband never made more than $300/week, we were in great debt, i worked two jobs to support us) About 1 month before he left, I had an affair.  It was an act of selfish vengeance.  And desire to feel loved too. It was Awful.  His mother (ACOA/her A brother died of overdose) helped him leave.

But our relationship never ended.  His drinking worsened until a DUI (he called me to bail him out/I did) forced him int detox, admission of alcoholism, dabbling in AA, relapses.  One year later (last April), during his last relapse, he filed for divorce, joined AA and started working the steps.  I had joined Al-Anon in March and cntinue to work the program. I begged for him not to divorce, and his sponsor recommended he wait until he finish the steps before deciding.  He said he was too hurt, that he wanted to try to work it out after divorcing, that he didn't trust me, that he was afraid I would hurt him again, that he was afraid that i would get crazy (read codie) again and that he couldn't take that risk. He said he would do therapy, but not until the divorce was final.  (We did one session of therapy before the mediation; I told my lawyer and he found out; he became angry and stopped it)He put off the divorce date 2x but kept saying it was inevitable.  We mediated an agreement.  I finally set a date for divorce and it happened last week.  The entire time we have not stopped having a romantic relationship.  Even on the day of the divorce, he called to tell me he loved me and wanted to work it out.  He said he had a potential job offer that would be good for "us."  When I asked him about it the next day, he said that he hadn't made any promises but wanted to work towards an "us." We spent that weekend hanging out together.  When our son asked him if I was his ex-wife, he said "Your mother is my everything" and kissed me.

That same day (this past sunday),he said he had a job interview in Texas and would be leaving for 8 days.  he said he would be focusing on himself and his step work (he says he's on 8 - but I haven't seen an amends)and would not be in contact with me at all.  His family lives in texas and he said he would likely not be with them either.(for the 1st time in 12 years, i do not know where he is, how he is, etc) I have not contacted him, save for an email regarding a school issue with our son to which he replied directly to the school and not to me. He said he would call me when he got back. And true to his word, I (nor the kids) have heard anything from/of him since last Sunday. (I miss him)

OK.  Here's my question...Should I believe him when he says that he wants to make it work and that he is deeply in love with me but still healing?  Or is he just manpulating me? Why does he not forgive me?  I have forgiven him.  I am working my program faithfully, trying to give and act selflessly. But my heart is still reeling from this loss and from what i thought was a mutual and truly honest desire to rebuild. And truthfully, with each passing day, I keep thinking about all the tims he lied to me, hiding the truth, because he didn't want to deal with my reactions (sick before al-anon; hopefully, healthier now)

Thank you.

ANSWER: Hello Laurie,
I hear lound and clear your anguish and pain over the situation you have described. I also hear very clearly that you are working on your own recovery using Al-Anon Steps and principles. I really cannot answer the questions posed in your last paragraph because they are really unanswerable by anyone except God (or other source of spiritual strength). I doubt if either you or your significant other could answer these questions with certainty. Only time will tell with diligent work by both of you in your respective 12 Step recovery programs where you will end up in regard to your relationship. I suggest, therefore, that you focus on that which you truly have control over, namely, you and your own recovery, and trust that your significant other will do the same. Try, and I know how difficult this is, to turn the outcome of your relationship over to God or whatever your source of spiritual strength may be, and work on your recovery one day at a time. Good luck to you.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Jan,

I have to say that I was a bit surprised by your response. Maybe I asked the wrong question.  I was looking to see your professional perspective of his actions/behavior.  He was an active alcoholic from about 2002 - 2008 (abusing alcohol from about 1991-2001).  He has not done counseling but is active in AA with a sponsor.  I understand that in the end, I have no control over the outcome.  Even if I did, I wouldn't want it.  I learned the futility and emptiness of that route with him. And I am focusing on me - your response is a step in that direction.  But, his behavior has been so contradictory, so carrot-stick...and I am not sure how the recovering alcoholic's  (month 8) mind processes emotions.

So, from the counselor's standpoint, i understand why you are saying to focus on myself and stop torturing myself - bc God only knows.  But I feel that there must be a rational explanation for his behavior, and that's what i was hoping to gain from you.  Would you be able to help me with this please?

Answer
Hello Laurie,
I regret that I cannot give you a definitive answer to your question about husband's behaviors. I would agree with what seems to be a suggestion in your response that an alcoholic in early recovery cannot be sure about any issue except that he must not take the first drink one day at a time. I also agree that in early recovery emotional involvements should, if possible, be postponed until a solid recovery is attained. I routinely tell individuals in early recovery to focus on recovery first and matters of the heart later. I cannot know whether your husband is genuinely putting recovery first and intending to renew your relationship at a later date or not. That certainly may be the case. I can say, however, that I find it puzzling that he sought the divorce and moved away from you; that he has removed himself from all contact with you; those behaviors do not fit with his avowed intention to renew the relationship---but that is conjectural and has many assumptions built into it. Therefore, I have to return to my original suggestion, that, in the absence of any other clearly indicated course of action, you turn this issue over for the time being and focus on your recovery. I am sorry that I cannot be more precise.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com