Expert: Amarnath.B - 1/22/2009

Question
My husband has been batteling his addiciton to alcohol for nearly a year now, he's been doing his "research and discovery" which has led to him being asked to leave our house. He has been in rehab and drank the first day out. He's been going to AA for about 8 months. He has lied, lied, lied, I've found bottles all over the house etc. He has been out of our house since before Christmas, since Christmas there have been two incidents, the last one I told him I was tired and fed up and there was nothing more to say or talk about that he was losing everything. (Aside from his drinking we have a very strong love for eachother and we have two small children that he worships). I told him if he wanted to drink he could go right ahead but he wasn't taking me and the kids to hell with him. Since that day (20 days today) from I can tell he's been sober. He's working out, started going to church again, he checks in with me every night. My gut says he's doing good BUT I get panic attacks when I think of how he's lied to me in the past and I get so scared and want to protect myself from any more hurt. I told him if he gives me 30 days he can come home. I know there's no way to know for sure that only time will tell but my questions is, are there any tips you could give me to reassure myself I'm doing the right thing to let him back and try and trust him again.

Answer
Hello Catherine,

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your husband is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  Your husband may not be drinking but he is not sober.  He needs to change the person that was drinking or his “not drinking” will be temporary.

Relationship issues in an alcoholic scenario are very subjective.  This is so because most relationships are dysfunctional when one of the partners is an active alcoholic.  What an alcoholic says and does under the influence is usually alcohol-induced reaction. An alcoholic is very selfish and will go to any lengths to please the other person as long as his/her domain is secured. Most alcoholics have very low self-esteem and a deep sense of insecurity.  They need reassurances and acceptance for everything that they say and do.

Your husband is very new in his recovery and needs time.  He has to attend AA meetings every day, interact with AA members, & take AA as the only hope for his alcoholism.

Alcoholism is a disease and cannot be cured.  It can only be arrested by total abstinence.  I understand your predicament.  I suggest you give yourself time. Trust is something which will take a long time.  Remember, alcoholism is also a family disease and every member of the family gets affected.  You have become a co-dependent.  I suggest you contact Al-Anon(a self-help group affiliated to AA by families, friends, relatives, and dependents of alcoholics).  By joining Al-Anon and attending their meetings you will come in contact with persons who have suffered the same way you have and can get lots of tips of how to handle an alcoholic.

Please do not give any time frame to your husband.  Tell him you will consider taking him back only after your are pretty sure that he is on the right path.  But please contact Al-Anon immediately.  These members are sure to be of great help to you.  

Please stress upon your husband that AA should now be a part of his life.  His whole life should now revolve around the AA 12-Step program and daily meetings.

I hope things work out for you Catherine.  Remember spirituality and spiritual way of living is the only answer for an alcoholic and his dependents.  Only AA and Al-Anon can provide this kind of living.


God bless


Amarnath