Expert: Clyde - 1/15/2009

Question
Hi Clyde
My husband and I have been together for two years. He joined AA in November last year and has been going to two meetings a week. He's a binge drinker and now says that he sees he's had this problem for 12 years. I'm very proud of him for taking responsibility for himself and following the program. I went to alanon but did not find much help there as out of the 20+ people there, only 2 others were there for recovering alcoholics. I've been reading the AA big book with my husband and am learning as much as I can about his disease, but I can't help feeling shunned. I am a recovering drug addict and have been clean for almost 4 years now. I did it on my own (not boasting, just letting you know I didn't join NA). So after my husbands first meeting he came home and said that I should atleast partly understand his problem etc. because of what I'd been through myself. Then after his second meeting he came home and said that I could never ever even come close to understanding his problem. After that and a big fight, we decided to go see a psychologist together that I had been seeing for a few years. In one of our sessions with the psychologist he said that he didn't know if he had been sober for 6 months prior to the wedding if he would still have married me. Naturally I didn't take that very well. Anyway, we were planning on having a child this year, but he told me that the people at AA told him not to do so for atleast a year, preferably two. They also gave him a list of things he shouldn't do for that time. I was extremely upset when he told me this as I had really been looking forward to the journey of pregnancy and parenthood with him. Now, two months down the line, we seem to be fighting on a daily basis. I don't bring up the issues I've mentioned above, but the current ones that haven't changed in the last few weeks. I feel lonely, I'm afraid of his mood swings, I find myself tensing up when I hear his key in the door and always being on the defensive. When he was drinking I was scared that he would crash the car and get himself killed, now I'm scared he'll turn around and say he doesn't love me anymore. Recently a woman at AA who has only been sober a week longer than my husband, asked him if she could e-mail him "for advice". When my husband told me this, I asked him what kind of advice and he told me she generally needed relationship advice. Fine. But my problem is that a) her and her boyfriend are both in AA and b) there are more experienced people she can talk to at AA, for instance her sponsor. Why does she need to talk to my husband? I've been reading some alanon literature and it scares me that most marriages where one person is in AA don't work out. It also scares me that he might turn around and say that this woman understands him better than I do. I have never been jealous before and my husband and I have always been supportive of each others friendships with the opposite sex, but for some reason this e-mail business has sent my alarm bells into overdrive. I have tried explaining my thoughts and feelings to my husband in a calm and rational way, and on all other topics he's usually very receptive, but when I mention this woman he gets defensive, which naturally worries me even more.
I have no idea how to handle this situation and would really appreciate your advice.
Thanks,
Natalie

Answer
Natalie,
   Thank you for your questions and for giving me such good detail on the situation.

   Let me first congratulate you on 4 years clean and sober!  AA is a way to get sober, but I realize that it is not necessarily the only way. Our propensity to addictive behaviors has a wide-ranging set of parameters.  In my case, AA  has been the ticket.

   I would think AA would be the best ticket for him right now as he begins to really understand who he is and begins to turnover all sorts of rocks that are hiding things and behaviors and past hurts, guilt, etc.  And it sounds like he is doing just that.  We learn to be brutally honest BUT we also learn that the concept of brutal honesty is toward ourselves - not our loved ones.  We are to practice love and compassion as best we can.

   It is good that he shared honestly his feelings that he may not have married you if he had been a sober individual.  It is his truth but I know how much it hurts you, the recipient, of that truth.  It is grossly unfair for you to have to deal with that in your marriage and I feel pain for you.  

   His helping this woman with "advice" is clearly and 100% off-base and not a good idea.  Unless he holds some credentials as a pastor, psychologist, or counselor he has no reason for offering this to her.  People in those professions are to have done a large amount of work on themselves psychologically so that they do not allow what we call "countertransference" to affect our judgements in helping others.  It is the reason why we say in AA, "boys with boys and girls with girls."  IF he had a secure and loving and committed relationship with you he may be able to offer some measure of  help but based on the difficulties you two are having this can't be the case.

   As to his friends in AA giving him lists of things not to do, etc. this, too, is unfortunate.  We are not to run someone else's life and we have no business telling them what to do and not to do.  We can not keep someone sober, they must do that for themselves.  I do think a good sponsor will step in and help but until it is requested that a sponsor take a major part in personal decisions for a sponsee, it should be "hands off."

   Only he will be able to judge whether he is being too naive with listening to their suggestions.  Sometimes people will unconsciously tell us what not to do because they are envious or jealous of their not getting something the other person wants.

   I can only offer a suggestion or two, and I know these will not be easy to hear, but
   
   a.) rethink the timing of having a baby.  Until he finds out more about himself you will not know if he is committed to you or being pulled away.  Having a child in this type of uncertainty only adds to the grief and woes if the marriage comes apart.

   b.) tell him you have been talking to a 15 year recovered alcoholic who suggests that he rethink his use of too much AA advice in his personal life.  He needs to make his own decisions and when it comes to his marriage, you and he need to make the decisions minus their influence.  Perhaps some mistakes will be made but so be it.
   I might also suggest that you let him know a veteran in the recovery rooms says he is on dangerous ground with this newly sober woman.  Any relationship that puts barriers up between two married people is bad news.  Until absolute trust exists, outside relationships are to be avoided.

   c.) continue your own program of recovery to insure that you, too, are being honest with him and that you have no hidden "uh-ohs" that might cause major discord in the future.  I think it is great that you have done some therapy and know something about looking at yourself.  This is for you to do and it is not intended to solve his problems.

   I hope this helps.  The woman thing is bad and it is understandable that it would be disquieting.

   Write again if I might be of help.

Grace and Peace,
Pastor Clyde