Expert: Amarnath.B - 1/14/2009

Question
i been with my boyfriend now for months, i love him dearly, i cant do without him, to me hes two different people, he sweet caring loving and kind, but then when he starts to drink he turns into a monster, its like a whole different person he just doesn't care, hes just wants to destroy the world and doesn't care about the congruences. he now in prison for pulling a knife and threatening someone while drunk and two counts of assault while drunk, but the thing is when hes sober theres no way he would act this way. he said he loves the feeling of being drunk, like for a moment he doesn't have any worries and is happy. he been in prison once before, and i fear once hes out, ill be back in the same situation again.
we were so happy and great, until i had an abortion and his acholo went outta control he couldn't control his emotions and thats when the assaults happened, a months or so later i left him, because i couldn't get him to stop drinking, but i couldn't stay away from him, i love him so much it hurts, i cant bear to be without him, he so caring and loving towards me, he never shown violent when im with him, always protecting me. but i couldn't get acholo outts our lives, i went back to him the next day but he was really cut up and hurt from what had happened and thats when he went on a bender and the knife crime happened, i fear it couldn't have been so much worse. i mean he capable of doing anything when hes drunk, he really doesn't think.
now hes in prison he regretful and sorry, he knows acholo is a major issue in out lives and is destroying everything, but words arnt enough anymore, do you think he can change, i don't wanna be back here again in a couple of years, i want him the sober side, i want him babies to marry him, to spend my life with this man, but the fear of him spending most of his life in jail and me visting him basically a single mum, is scary and so daunting on me, im 18 and don't no how to cope with these emotions or what to do anymore, he stopped drinking for months for me.
but before we were together hes got a bad history with the law and with drinking and drugs, drugs i no is now removed from our lives .. well apart from weed, but alcohol ..
how can i help him, i want him .. i need him ..
please help me

Answer
Hello Janine,

I understand the situation you're in right now.  It is a paradox.  You can neither leave your boyfriend nor be with him.

First of all you should understand the Cycle of Addiction which your partner is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  It's a Jekyll and Hyde story.  An alcoholic displays two kinds of personality.  One is the sweet side when he is not drinking and the other, the ugly one when drunk.  

The ugly side becomes a part of the personality for the alcoholic. This shows up even in sobriety.  So it take a long time for an alcoholic to become normal both in thinking and in his/her actions.  This is because sobriety has to be in thoughts, words, and deeds not just abstinence from alcohol.  You boyfriend can change but like I said it takes a long time.  Primarily he has to have a desire to stop drinking.  He has to have a desire to change.  Then only change can take place.

Ask yourself this question? Are you ready to ride the rough road to sobriety with your boyfriend? Don't you think he first needs to seek help for his addiction?  Don't you think he should straighten up before he actually commits himself to you?

You are still very young.  You have a whole life ahead of you and you need to move on.  Move on to better pastures where is there is peace and serenity.  Have you ever asked yourself if you are ready to start this relationship all over again now if at all he stops drinking? Do you realize that the top most priority in an alcoholic’s life is sobriety? Everything else is secondary. Don’t you think you have a life of your own? Don't just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take the initiative, let your boyfriend know what your needs are and make a commitment to change the pattern of your relationship.

I feel your boyfriend is using you like a crutch for his emotional needs.  Most alcoholics have this tendency because basically alcoholics are a lonely lot.  They will go to any extent to lean on to someone as long as their interests are secured and alcoholics have a great amount of insecurities in them.

In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  This is why you also have the feeling of insecurity. Having been caught in the loop has made you a co-dependent and you will continue to be so even when you are partner has years of sobriety.  This is because alcoholism is a progressive disease and cannot be cured, it can only be arrested by total abstinence.

I suggest you deal with this with a open mind.  You boyfriend is already caught up with the wrong side of the law.  He needs help for his addiction and the most important thing is that he needs rehabilitation.  Long term rehabilitation is the only answer for him.  After rehabilitation will start the maintenance of his sobriety.  This he can achieve only by going to AA(Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings and makes AA a part of his life.

Move on Janine.  There a whole life waiting for you.  Come out of this entrapment and let your boyfriend know that his first priority is getting clean and sober.  Relationships come later.  If need be, if you think you are really deeply in love with him, assure him that you shall wait for him.  But he needs to get sober on his own and cannot use you as a crutch.

I hope you come to a right decision and start your life all over again.  I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and hope and pray that God will shower his graces upon you in abundance.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there are any questions or concerns.

God bless


Amarnath