Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/22/2009

Question
Hello Todd,
Please help me.  About 2 years ago my x alcoholic boyfriend called it quits when he went to rehab.  IN the past 6 months he relapsed, got his 3rd dwi and was arrested for a drunk in public 2 days before his court date for his dwi.  I swore I would stay away from him because I felt abandoned when he left to rehab and left me in the past.  I did not stuck to my guns.  In December he called me out of the blue to tell me that he had lost his job due to his dwi and was down and out, I said sorry that is happening to you and hung the phone up.  Sure enough I picked him up within 3 hours of receiving his call.  Bad idea!  In the last month he drank and drank stayed the night with me punched my radio to my new car, made me feel like I had to pay for everything due to his unemployment status.  Meanwhile he was texting another girl that he loved her and would tell me he wanted to work things out between us.  I did not listen to that because I knew it was the beer talking for him.  Now, he called me to tell me that he was not convicted of his dwi and all his charges were dropped, he said that him and his "dad" were going out to have a celebration dinner.  I was bummed out because I was not invited.  I was only good enough to talk to when he was drunk.  He says his done with drinking now and that he will attend meetings and try to get his job back and has so much to do that he is unsure when he will see me again.  I feel hurt again.  I feel the way I did when he went to rehab and in his 3rd day there he broke off our relationship.  Basically I feel used and abused.  He was a bad boyfriend, but I always hoped that he would change.  He managed to stay sober for 15 months and get a job, his own car and a place to live.  Although now I know I was his enabler, why does he feel the need to pop in and out of my life?  How can he sleep with me and not expect me to catch feelings?  Basically, why doe the drunk man in him show me so much attention and love?  I am not a drinker and never have been.  I have tried everything to fix myself.  Could it be that I am addicted to this man?  Please give me some advice or books to read to help me out.  I feel alone all over again, I was fine until a month ago when he popped back into my life.

Thank You
Lena

Answer
Hi Lena,

To answer your question, yes, as strange as it seems, you ARE addicted to an alcoholic. This is not uncommon. You know that this guy is bad for you, however you keep taking abuse.

This is known as codependency. Here's a link which will give you more information in codependency.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

There are other pages on the site that will help you as well.

First, you have to admit that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself. He's using you and taking advantage of your good nature.

You have to set strong boundaries, Don't buy into his excuses and forgive him. You've given him too many chances. Nothing has changed and nothing will - but you're the one who can change.

Melodie Beatie wrote the book 'Women Who Love Too Much'. Originally codependency was only for relationships with alcoholics, but now it's used for anyone drawn to a dysfunctional person.

Hope this is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

If you need more information, please let me know

Beverley Glazer
http://untwist-your-thinking.com