Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/18/2009

Question
Hi, I have been married 7 years, with him 15, we have 2 small kids.  My husband tends to binge drink and stay out all night or leave the house during the night while i'm in bed if he has been drinking.  He looks to any arguement we have to do this.  He says he just likes enjoying himself.  He has seen a private pschiatrist for a diagnosis which was addictive personality.  He dables in drugs sometimes.  He is currently off work sick at the minute from a nose operation but from which has turned into depression though us now on meds and feels happier.  I want to leave but i love him and it frightens me the thought of being on my own with the kids.  He blocks us out when he goes on these binges, assures me there is no other woman.  He has lost motivation, wont help around the house, even in diy things.  If i try to talk to him about our problems it turns into an arguement that is made out to mbe my fault.  Had an appointment with a cbbt therapist which he canelled due to a hangover and he has an appointment coming up start of feb for addictions team.  I just feel like a fool and think why does he do this to us.  He seems to act irrationally when he is drinking.  Please I am at the end of my tether.

Answer
Hi Tracy,

Your husband is in denial of his drinking problem as well as the grief that he's causing you. What he needs is an alcohol/drug assessment to see the level of the addiction. Once he's confronted with the results he can't deny it. But if he's on a very high level of consumption, he may not be unable to stop without a rehab.

You're on the right track. The first thing to do is make sure he keeps  the appointment with the addictions team. Go with him if that's what it takes. Don't be 'understanding'. Stand firm. Tell him you've had enough and he has got to keep the appointment. The therapists there should be able to assess his addiction level and point you both in the right direction.

In the mean time, since he's in denial he'll probably object to going to AA, but Al Anon would be helpful for you. This is a 12-step program for family members of alcohol/addicts. It's a very effective support system. Check out if there are meetings in your area (the addiction team should know)

Here are treatment options for alcohol/drug problems:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment.html

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Hope this is helpful,
All the best

Bev
http://untwist-your-thinking.com