Expert: Rebos - 1/15/2009

Question
Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half now (I do have a alcoholic father) so I know some signs and all. My boyfriend is a great guy but I worry... I found later he had a DUI and I have a son from a previous marriage so I'm concerned they are getting attached. Anyway, there have been atleast 3 times now he has went to a bar by himself and gotten pretty wasted and drove himself home! He has been known to get pretty angry, he also has a quiet non-social personality, he doesn't have friends and gets upset if I go to mine. I have told him he needs to watch his drinking and should be responsible and that he should learn from his past DUI etc... I have tried to break if off 2 times now but somehow we manage to stay together. The last time  I shouldn't have got back with him he got mad called me a name etc.. and put my plants outside but then next day called me like crazy and told me he would work on things.
I know he's not going to quit drinking now and I don't live with him due to the fact I have a son and I don't want to risk anything, but its hard he's great with my son and all. I need to leave we don't even have real long conversations and never really had,I don't know if that's just him or due to the alcohol changing his personality?

Answer
Good day Tammy and thank you for you question.

There is nothing like the truth as to why you are breaking off your relationship with him. You may actually help to raise his bottom that he lost another something important in his life because of his drinking. Wait until he drives while drunk with your son in the car, or starts to slapping you around. The longer you delay the worse he will become. Alcoholism never gets any better on its own it only gets worse.

If you intend to remain in your relationship with an active alcoholic you haven’t learned anything from your experience with your father. As a matter of fact even if an alcoholic is in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous I still recommend that the spouse or ex-girlfriend attend Alanon meetings! I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control. Other than that tell him the truth and never you mind how attached your son is to your boyfriend. If you are willing to gamble with your son’s life and become an “enabler “

By the way if your boyfriend is not going to Alcoholics Anonymous then your boyfriend saying that he will stop drinking is not worth anything, because he is not facing up to the root cause of his drinking. Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting them away against their will, will not get them to stop doing what they have not made up their own minds to do. Don't think that your boyfriend does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. It's not that he purposely lies to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Every time you get your boyfriend out of a jam, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.


Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Alanon or breakup with him. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) remember don’t ever make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through with.

If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up question. Thank you, Rebos.