Expert: Druideck - 1/10/2009

Question
i have written to you before but my problems just seem to be ongoing,my husband walked out due what i take to be his alcohol abuse 3 times hes done this and the last time blanked the children for months he did go to A.A.and did give up drinking for a while but then started going to bike rallies and bars and clubs although he still maintains hes stopped drinking he says he wants back with me and the children but i wont let him as i cant have him hurt my boys again by walking out.My 5 year old is starting to get really upset over it all and has been telling people his dad has left him he even asks men if theyll be his dad.
Honestly the stress has been getting to me i have no money and have to sit in all the time but its my children i feel for I feel so bad for them but powerless to help them why does my husband not love them,is there anything i can do thank you

Answer
Carol,

I know how it is to have a dream or idea
of how things should be in a family
or a relationship. Often things are
not the way we believe they should be.

A relationship has to involve two
responsible mature people for it
to have any chance. Even if you
do everything right it doesn't
mean your husband will change.

Your husband has an illness that
involves denial and addiction.
What this means is he can not
quit his wrong thinking and
bad behaviour without sobriety
and a living program such as
the twelve steps of Alcoholics
Anonymous.

As you have experienced in this
roller-coaster relationship
his patterns just repeat and
he keeps ignoring his
family and returning to the
drinking world again.

This doesn't always mean a
person doesn't care, they are
just very sick emotionally and
unable to love and care the way a normal
person could.

You cannot hope to extract love
for yourself or your children
from a man with alcoholism.
He has little to give and will
likely get worse without some
serious time in recovery and
giving up chasing bike and bars.

All this means you cannot wait for
him to get better and become a different
person. He is a man with a drinking problem,
that is the reality.

He will continue to be a poor role model
for your boys unless he stays sober in AA
for at least a year.
He may not be able at some point to even
work at all or provide for your family.

Your boys do deserve to be cared for
and not subjected to this man's abuse
and neglect. He is not the man they need right
now. Protect them and yourself from being
used. Refuse to allow him to move in
and out as he pleases.
Demand that he get help and maybe
he will wake up to what he is losing.
If you comply and give him what he wants
there is no reason for him to change.
He will just keep bar hopping, breaking
promises and finally dashing the hopes
of you and your boys.
Something has to change or he and you will
keep repeating the past until you break
down completely.
Start looking at how you can live if he
does not return.
Can you find any education or jobs
you like? Can you try to meet other
people for support like Al-Anon
or a counsellor?
Can your boys get involved in any local
clubs or events for kids?
Take them down to meet the firemen
or some men that are noteworthy
in the community. Can they join cub
scouts or something where they meet good
people? You have to brainstorm ways
of living that don't involve leaning
on their dad who is ill with alcohol.
Sit down and write down your ideas
and get them to help.
Do they like skating, swimming, hiking? archery?
Often you can borrow equipment.
There are places they can be exposed to
healthy people, their dad is only
one person in a world full of men.
Don't put all your eggs in a broken
basket. Look for new ways of living
and getting support. Let go of your
husband so he can grow and heal.
He has much work to do.

-------------------------------------------
Here is the answer I gave you previously,
did you followup on any of the ideas
I suggested?

Carol,

I know it very sad to see a father that
doesn't seem to care but your
husband is wrapped up in his alcohol
problems.

Often as alcoholism progresses people
lose there ability to be responsible
or even to feel love for those
they would normally care about.

At this point he is not going
to be a good male role model
for your children.
He is modelling a lack of responsibility,
lack of caring and apathy or not
seeming to care.
He can not be forced to care or
to act as he should.
He is an individual and is making
his choices. His choices may
be designed to hurt or force you
into doing as he wishes. He knows
the power the children have over you
and he can use your desire for
a good family to manipulate you
to his will.
Often these acts of covert control
are because of how ill he has become
from his drinking.
Recovery takes much time and committment
for a person to change their way of life.
I suggest you take a look at why you
are trying to draw water from an empty
well. He may have lost the ability to
really love or care as demonstrated
by his behaviour.
He may stay this way or if he chooses
to seek help he could change.
Get the boys involved in other
activities where they can get support
from other adults and/or children.
There is big brothers and other
youth groups and camps etc where they
could see better male role models.
Hoping for him to change could take
a lifetime, that is too high a price.
Tell your boys he is ill and it affects
his ability to be a good father.
Tell them sometimes you have to let
go and love people as they are but
protect yourself from being mistreated
always.

Take care