Expert: Druideck - 1/28/2009

Question
Hi.  I have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 4 years.  He has gone through treatment in the past (before I met him) I only found this out after he moved in.  His drinking has gone from socially, to daily. (I know now that this is a progressive disease)  I don't think he has gone 24 hours without a drink in the last 6-8 weeks.  I have gone to a few Al-Anon meetings and I'm trying to learn, and I'm realizing that this is a disease, but I cannot continue in this relationship - MY SANITY is what is important.  I have spoken with a counselor, who had made me realize that I simply cannot continue in this relationship.  I have tried living with him through "detachment"  but I just can't do it anymore.  I love him, but I have to love myself, too.   

That being said,  what is the best way (if there is such a thing) to break up with him, and make him realize that his refusal to get sober is the reason?   I don't want to just walk in one day and say "that's it, it's over, I'm done, we're through, get out".   

I guess my real question, is what/how should I have this conversation with him.  What do I say?  How do I respond to his reaction?   Please Help.

Answer
Leah,

Breaking up with someone is never
easy, there are too many emotions
involved. He may be aware of
his drinking but because of the
way alcoholism affects a person
he may not realize how severe it is.
He may even deny his behaviour
or at least minimize it.

You need a good plan if you
are leaving him. This plan has
to provide safety and support
so you don't have second thoughts
and return. If you say you are
leaving or separating or
whatever you say you must really
mean it and stick with it.

If you leave for a short time
and return he will see it as permission to
continue his drinking.
Whether you break for good or not
he has to see you mean what you say.
Make a plan so you have everything
you need ready.

You can leave him a note with a phone
number if you are afraid to face him.
If you think you can discuss this
with him personally do that.

Start out casually talking
about how you are feeling very
stressed out. Then mention
you have problems being around his
routine drinking. Don't sound
too judgemental just express your
concerns about yourself and
your own emotional health.

If you feel the time is right
by his reactions say you
are planning on living alone for a time
to think things over.
If he gets very angry you may have to
back off a bit.

You can say you care but right now
you need to care for yourself
and prefer to do that alone.

Don't make promises you don't
want to keep and don't be drawn
into a blaming match.

Follow your heart, tell the truth
and then get away if you need to.
Let him deal with his own feelings
about this.

You have to learn how to take less
responsibility for him so you
can focus on your own healing.
Sometimes love is letting go so
a person can grow.

He has to find sobriety himself.
You can only get out of the way
and wish him well in his search
for wholeness.
You must also start on the path
to discover yourself and
to be free of negative relationships.
This toxic type of relationship can only get worse
as you have experienced. The pain
can only go when you or he goes.