Expert: Rebos - 1/3/2009

Question
I know deep down in my husband there is a good person, but he is an alcoholic and is unpredictable at times. He does not like leaving the house and drinks 365 days a year from 11:00 am until about 9:00 pm.  I don't know how to help him.  It has destroyed many relationships within our families.  What can I do to help?  At first I would go along with everything he said and wanted, but I also need a life and I am tired of being afraid of him hurting himself when he is drunk, like falling down.  He had vocal cord cancer and had surgery (total laryngectomee)

Answer

Good morning Linda and thank you for your question.
I am sorry for your husband’s health problem. Not only is he in denial about his alcoholism, but he has the “poor me’s” about his health situation.

The first thing that I would like to tell you is that if your husband is an alcoholic (as you described… and I think that he is) all the begging in the world will not get him to stop drinking. You as his wife and he as the addicted alcoholic are beyond the point where you or he has control as to whether he drinks or not! Both you and he are totally powerless over his drinking. The second thing is that you should never, ever make any threats to him that you are not 100% sure that you intend to follow through with. Thirdly, you must always protect your children (if you have any) from the influence that your husband’s drinking will on them.

If you intend to stay married to this man I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic husband in it. At Alanon meetings you will find out what you can do to help your husband, by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right information about the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work.

Your husband should never be rewarded for any of his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will usually lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do. Of course your husband will not want to go to a Detox or AA, because addiction to alcohol is a disease of denial. It tells you that you are ok when your life is falling apart. Alcoholics are famous for blaming people, places and things for their drinking. It is generally believed (in AA which has the best track record for recovery) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… mental, physical, and spiritual. The “mental part”; deals with the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside force or incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before he must drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs). The exception is a doctor’s prescription as long as he or she knows that the patient is an addict!

Each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, BUT YET, MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic. I assume that your husband is seeking counseling for his laryngectomee.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to a program like AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking. Think carefully before you say anything to him about his stopping drinking; say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it! Once again remember it is most important for you to NEVER make any threat to your husband that you are not 100% willing to follow through with!

I feel that you have become an “enabler”. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any “verbal” or physical abuse by him of you should not be tolerated at all. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge (and use that knowledge effectively) about alcoholism and try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that have not turned into such a person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!
Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem. It is your call as to telling your husband that you are going to Alanon because of his drinking.

I don’t want to overburden you with any more details than I have already written. If you have any specific questions feel free to ask me in a follow-up. If you do have an intervention please make sure that it is run by a professional who has experience in running one. Thank you, Rebos