Expert: Druideck - 1/29/2009

Question
Hello,
I am sure you have a lot of people asking this. But even if I did my research, I am still unsure. Therefore I feel the need to ask.
I have 2 beautiful healthy and happy children with my husband.
We are adventures family. We travel, we have a lot of friends, we are educated and curious, we love to have parties. So I love having fun myself and have few drinks with our friends.
But I have been worried about my husband. He is a contractor highly specialized  computer scientist so he works from his home. Which is great you might think. As we could spend a lot of time together as a family.
But my husband drinks everyday ( a lot of beer ), stays up until the morning. I always knew he had problem with being awake at night and living in day but now realizing he drinks all night long. He doesn't hide it, he doesn't drink as soon as he wakes up. He has a time set for drinking. But he sleeps until 2 o'clock in the afternoon every day. He of course does not think he has any problem. He has NO BLACK OUTS what so ever. But he is irritated when he wakes up. A lot. And if we have friends over and there is a long night partying and I am present he will eventually get verbally abusive to me. Try to put me down in front of all his friends - sort of like I am his worst enemy and nightmare.
You might think: whats so puzzling about this. Of course he has a problem. But he also is very smart person always on top of himself, wonderful father ( however lately he has not have much time for it because his sleeping schedule and time needed to wake up to be functional ). If I know he has been drinking a lot.... and I ask next day how he feels... he always is fine and has no hang over. He is very tall man, maybe that is why.
The no hang over, no black outs troughs me off.
Is he alcoholic? Or is he having middle age depression? Is there something I could do?
How do I go about talking to him?????????!!!!!! He gets defensive and angry whenever I try to talk to him about this. I could really use some help to find the RIGHT WORDS, the right TOOLS how to approach him safely so he would maybe listen.- not just threads  
I read on many websites... send him to rehab, tell him he needs to quit, leave him. I think that does not work that well especially when you honestly care for a person and not want to leave him, just want to help and point things out to him. How does one go about that? What are the words to use?
Please help! Thank you
Karo
Ps: sorry for a bad grammar... I am not native English speaker


Answer
Karo,

one of the signs of alcoholism is loss of
control of when a person drinks and no control
over the quantity.
Blackouts are common as well as severe hangovers.
It is not abnormal for some people to
be night owls. Some people prefer mornings
and some do not. We are all different as we
should be.
Alcoholics will drink even if there are
many negative consequences to it.
It sounds like your husband is a heavy
drinker and perhaps is developing a dependence
on alcoholic to get him through the day or
night. If he is unwilling to talk then
that is his decision.
The only thing you can do is try to
express how you are feeling.
If he gets angry, you could try
writing a letter expressing how you
feel about things. Try not to sound judgemental.
Just talk about yourself and how it feels to you
when he behaves as he does.
If he doesn't care then you will have to decide
how you want to live.
We can not change other people, we can only
express our thoughts and feelings and
then it is up to them to decide how
they will react.
Ask him if he will go to talk to
an alcohol counsellor or at least
try taking a test for alcoholism online.
The drinking daily is not good for him
but if he cares about you he should
be willing to talk about it.
If he refuses to consider looking at himself
then you really have limited choices.
You can try to detach yourself from
his problems and work on taking care of
yourself. You can get support from friends
or AL-Anon.
Don't hide your feelings from him.
He can not read your mind, he needs
to know how concerned you are.
IF he gets angry so what? He still
needs to hear the truth.
After you have got the air cleared
then leave it to him.
He can write to me if he wants
or go here to do the alcoholic
tests:
http://efap.torontopolice.on.ca/alcohol_test.html
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

Remember, he has to change himself, you can
only express your feelings and let go.