Expert: Druideck - 1/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: I left home when I was 16 due to an extremely abusive and alcoholic mother.  (I have never really had a relationship with my father; my parents have been separated since I was a toddler.)  Growing up with my mother was pure hell - I lived in complete fear, embarrassment and shame. (I still fear her in a way, even as an adult.) I cut ties with her after moving out and have built a good life for myself, my children, and husband. After more than 15 years she has tracked down my e-mail and sent me a brief letter requesting to "get together".  I did not sense any accountability from her or any acknowledgement of the torment I lived with. I assume she may not even remember much because she started each morning with a drink.  It has stirred up so many feelings and I am uncertain whether I should reply, and justify why I have severed ties all these years, (risking her replying back and/or harassing me), or just ignore the e-mail and continue on as I have been, completely detached from her toxicity.  Please advise!

ANSWER: Jane,

this is a difficult question because
it is so deeply personal to you.
We are often torn with feelings
of hurt and yet we want to resolve the
past. I am sure you have some questions
of your mother. This relationship will
open old wounds and may be more painful
than you care to experience.
A better response to her might be
to put your feeling, fears and concerns
into an email. If she shows no remorse
than tell her you wish her well but
no longer want to be reminded of the
mistreatment she gave you.
Sometimes letting those feelings out
in a safe way can be healing.
I assume you two have never talked
because of the circumstances?
Try to remember that you were a
defenceless child then and now you are
an adult. She is only a human being
and has no more power than you.
Take your power back, express your
concerns and then either let her
go with a blessing for her to be healed,
which she needs badly, or tell her
you will decide about meeting her
after some conversation through email.
If you sense it is just going to
be more unhealthy emotional pain
then perhaps you are better to
spend time with others more
capable of caring for your well-being.

Your mother was obviously a very emotionally
and spiritually ill person when you were at home.
We all have battles to fight and unfortunately
this affects those around us.
Sometimes people can recover from these extremes.
Sometimes they do not. There is a good rule
when dealing with sick people, remember
they are ill, wish them healing and then
refuse to be subjected to the symptoms of their
illness. You alone can decide to understand how
spiritually ill she was or to keep the hurt
and anger inside. I would really tell her
what it was like at home and how you felt
being so vulnerable.
Maybe she knows but is also afraid to
mention it. Get the truth out on the table
and it may set you both free.
I hope I at least gave you some food for thought.
Take care!












 





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much!

I would NEVER, EVER want to re-establish ANY type of relationship with her. I guess I am just terribly confused on whether to reply or acknowledge her email at all.  I can already assume that her response - to my response - would be defensive. So it may be in my best interest to just hit the delete button and continue on as I have been since leaving home.  On the other hand, I cannot help but wonder if this is *THE* opportunity to tell her whatever I want, and get things off my chest before she dies and I never get the chance again.   BUT! I know that the message I would give her would only make her feel terribly guilty.  Both options have pros and cons and I feel so torn!   I certainly appreciate your thoughts and thank you for your insight.

Answer
Jane,

You can not minimize the pain
you have because of the issues
with your mother. I can understand
your desire to let go since you
don't want any relationship.
It is important to talk about the
hurt and fear to heal your life.
This can be done with anyone you trust.
Pushing the feelings down doesn't mean
they are gone just buried.
I believe what is important is healing
yourself whether you have contact or not.