Expert: Clyde - 1/22/2009

Question
Dear Clyde,

My husband is now in his 8th month of sobriety and working a program.  We divorced a week ago, at his insistence, after a 10 year marriage. I still love him and he says he still loves me and wants to work it out - but only after a divorce. (I guess he feels it isa type of protection from the hurt I caused as an a-anon; I am in recovery in al-anon 11 months)

In another response, you said "You also have no control over who he will find himself to be once truly sober.  We are changed beings after sobriety and chances are you will not recognize a sober husband - that is my experience."  

What does that mean exactly?  Does that mean he won't be a person who will still love me?


Answer
Laurie,
    Thank you for your question and request for some clarification on my comment.

    I stand by my observation and experience that what I said is true.  The extent to which it is truth depends on the willingness of the recovering person to move beyond mere abstinence from drink to a mature emotional sobriety.  Many alcoholics do not move to this level because it is a hard and difficult and often very frightening walk down a narrow road - biblically, "and few will find it."

    The psychological changes that need to be wrought in any individual to recover from the onslaught of a crazed and manic culture and society are those that can sometimes make the person appear to be someone else.  That is what I mean by you may not recognize them.  As they unbury repressed material in the 4th step and face the true fears that have always been with them, they begin to live life with a new freedom and a new happiness.  It is like a kid growing up all over again - learning new things, experiencing things for the first time, sounds are different, colors more vivid, happiness more exhilarating, sadness and hurt more real.  They become human and the world does not want them to be.  They have tried to live in a false world all their lives.

    As for the second question: Does that mean he won't be a person who will still love me? - I think it could mean just the opposite.  As he comes to know his true feelings and expresses that to the world, discovering that he can be who God intended him to be, he may find that he has always loved you but did not feel worthy of receiving love in return.  Those things need to be sorted out - maybe that is why he asked for the divorce - to give him the time and space and freedom to really learn these things about himself.

   You mention your hurting him through your working a program of Alanon.  Although you do not say, I would conjecture that you've done some amends with him that were the source of hurt (truth hurts sometimes) or that your strength at moving forward with your own recovery has caused some security fears for him.  Well, those are the pains we must bear as we uncover, discover, and discard those things about us that need to be looked at.  You understand that through 11 months of Alanon.

    I bring this up to make one final observation:  If the hurt you have caused because of your own program placed him in a place of reflection on the marriage, then perhaps it will serve a good purpose in having the old marriage die so that a new relationship can be resurrected from the remnants.  At this point he will come to know whether he truly still loves you or not.  If he does then he will always carry that in his heart no matter what may become of you two.  I speak from experience - nothing is more wrenching than knowing that you truly love someone but that you can not have them back in your life until they choose to come back.  It may be so for him, it may be so for you, it may be so for both of you, it may be neither of these, but living separately for the rest of your lives, you'll know that love is real because it hurts so deeply.  The depth of that pain becomes so engrained into your heart and soul that it becomes a life-giving source for the rest of your life.  It becomes that because you experience the ultimate in sacrifice - you love simply because you love.

   I hope this helps clarify and give some perspective on the real measure of recovery and healing few have an opportunity to experience.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde