Expert: Druideck - 1/30/2009

Question
Hi.  I have been married for 8 years and have two children, ages 6 and 4.  My husband has always been a heavy drinker, but it became more like an occupation the past 5 years.  He came home from work and drank until he passed out in bed.  He would get up in the morning pretending to feel fine, go to work, then come home and start all over again.  Sometimes on the weekends he would have his first drink at 10 and continue through the day.  I attributed the heavy drinking to the stress of owning his own business that wasn't moving ahead very well.  When he (finally) got a full-time job with consistent paycheck and would announce how happy he was to be stress-free and yet the same drinking habits continued it struck me like a lightening bolt that there would ALWAYS be a reason for him to drink - happy, sad, stressed, celebrating, etc.  Once that realization happened several years of frustration came pouring out and I announced I wanted to get divorced.  He was blind-sided, he was sick at the thought of that.  And he also thought I was crazy when I told him I wanted him to get help.  He did stop drinking (I think) - keeping it to near-beer.  Another month passed and when he talked about just drying out for a while and how he was looking forward to having wine with dinner again I knew he didn't take me seriously.  His entire family has alcohol problems, going back several generations - he even has a brother that went through AA and has been sober for 14 years.  The more I sank into disappointment the more he latched himself onto me until I just couldn't breathe or think.  I asked him to leave, which he did for 3 days.  According to him, he went to every available AA meeting he could and seemed to be trying very hard to do what I asked of him. I told him he could come home.  Now he tells me that he goes almost once a week to AA meetings (It's only been just a month since he's been back and I know there was at least one week he didn't make it).  He also tells me that he has a man that he talks to (he won't call him his sponsor, he says he doesn't have a sponsor) there.  I have not seen any AA literature, not the Big Book, not anything.  He doesn't think he has a physical addiction to alcohol - says it was no big deal whatsoever to give it up.  He says that he just used alcohol to deal with his insecurity issues.  It was a bad habit and a crutch for him, not an addiction.  According to what he says (I'm not with him 24/7) he hasn't had a drink in over 100 days.  He has started chewing tobacco very frequently and will still drink near-beer when out for dinner.  He is still very attached to me - wanting to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling all of the time.  He has gotten very into working out and wants to do all of these races and weight programs with me - saying that we need to do these things together because it will strengthen our marriage.  I have almost no body fat now, though I eat - but, I think it's stress eating at me - and the big work-outs are not helping.  My family, friends and doctors (I have rheumatoid arthritis) are concerned about my health, but my husband does not see this and tells everyone he comes across (even complete strangers) that he has a "hot wife" with a "rock hard ass" and other such embarrassing, degrading things.  This is strange behavior to me.  He is very focused on us getting Christian-based marriage counseling - I have found counselors and he has dismissed them because they are not what he's looking for.  I am feeling like he's sucking the energy out of me, yet when I put my foot down about certain things (such as wanting to skip work-outs or not being intimate) he gets very put out, mopey and insinuates that he is doing all he can and I am not working towards the same goals he is.  I feel like I am on a roller-coaster.  This is very long and I apologize, but what I want to know is....is he doing what he should be doing and my mistrust and unhappiness are wrong?  Or, is he doing just enough to keep me there but not really taking ownership of the problem?  I'm worried at some point he'll think it's ok to drink again.  I know that I am still angry about being "abandonded" to the alcohol and I certainly do not like feeling like a possession to him.  Please give me some guidance.  Thank you for your time.

Answer
Heather,

I will try to give you some points
to understand his alcoholism better.
This is an illness that involves
much denial. The denial is part
of why it is so hard to recover.
Alcoholics do not mature emotionally
until they abstain and practise
the AA program of recovery.
This also addresses many of the
other concerns you have such
as dishonesty and his mental or
spiritual backsliding.
A few warning signs are his
inability to let go of the idea
that he can drink again after
some meetings or months of recovery.
Drinking causes a relapse back into
the same state he was in and maybe worse.
The mental obscession with drinking
is addictive and requires treatments
such as AA or inpatient rehab.
There is no reason you should
do things unless you want to.
That includes the work outs etc.
He reacts to you with his lack
of emotional maturity developed
by coasting through life on alcohol.
He may have very childlike emotions.
I understand how confusing all this
seems. The main point I want to make
is that taking your focus off
what he is doing will help you.
He has to deal with his denial
or inaction on his own terms.
You have to turn your focus away
while he sorts out his problems.
This is his responsibility.
You are not one person.
You can decide how you live and
what you like to do and he has
to deal with his own feelings.
Of course there are some compromises
made in a marriage but not
when it comes to protecting your
health.
Alcoholics think everything that
happens is about them.
This self-centeredness takes time
to overcome.
If has not got a big book yet, he will
or he will drink again.
He will hopefully reach a day where he
realizes his drinking is over and
he will have to grieve it like any loss.
This will involve anger, drinking near beer,
trying to recapture the pleasure he once
knew in other ways.
Alcoholics addictively try to
substitute other things for drinking
like the exercise or tobacco.
This all has to work out in it's
own way.
Make some rules or plans for your own
health and stick with them.
Attend Al-Anon or counselling.
Refuse to take part in things you
do not want to do. It is dishonest
to please people falsely.
Please read chapter 8-9 here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Final note:
no excuse is an excuse for an alcoholic to drink.
He is still in denial if he has not seen this.
You do not need to check on him.
You do not need to agree with him.
You are not responsibile for his problem.
He is sick so try not to worry if he
tries to blame you for things.
He is just projecting his own frustration
and confusion onto others.
Just agree with him to disarm him and then
continue doing what you need to do
for yourself.
This takes much strength but people do
recover and sometimes are better than
they ever were before. He will be
a different man if he sticks with recovery.
I hope you can grow and change together
or apart.