Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/10/2009

Question
QUESTION: After 5 years of denial now I am convinced my son is an alcoholic.  1st DUI age 19 in a single car accident.  I got the call and was on the scene before the trooper.  Small town area, short story my son got off easy.  2nd DWI age 21 no accident thankfully, and he was in jail for about 12 hrs before I bailed him out.  2 Public Intox. Can't hold a job, dropped out of 2 schools since age 19 so he is unable to even finish work towards any degree.  Constant relationship problems with others etc.  Worse part is I have now accepted that I am an enabler.  My tears are real, my excuses and guilt are real.  I have completed some research and found a genetic factor on my son's father's side (5 generations of depression/alcoholism/state hospital stays etc).  Yes I have been conned by my son in that he admits he has a problem with alcohol but does not need a residential treatment program.  He opted for outpatient treatment.  He is on Prozac after a diagnosis of depression and addictive personality.  He can stay sober and clean anywhere from 1 week to 3 months in the past 3 years. In the past 8 weeks since returning home AGAIN, he has relapsed 3 times.  Tonight he left home about 6pm,  I got a call by 7 and again at 8.  I am short but told him to stop drinking and driving and agreed he could come back home despite the fact I knew he was under the influence.  It is storming here and 45 minutes later no show.  I drove down the road a bit and found him passed out at the wheel, crashed into our mailboxes car running, lights on.  I will not bore you with what action I took next but my son is sleeping right now.  He needs help!  What do I do next?  Commitment? I know family support is important for needy person and I am trying.  But I cannot live like this anymore!  My stomach is in knots, I'am on pins and needles.  Is this about me or my son or both?  I just feel so helpless.  Tough love is easier said than done especially when I observe good intentions on his part however inconsistent they may be.

ANSWER: Hi:

You've made the first step which is that you've finally broken your denial. Great!!
By doing this you are now in the position to help your son, and not enable him, but it isn't going to be easy.

The first thing to have to do is to let go of your guilt. Genetic factors or any other factors can't change the situation as it is.

Your son is an alcoholic, and he can't cope. He is also drinking and driving and and putting himself as well as others in danger. Here are tips to  stop your enabling behavior.

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/changing-enabling-behavior.html

In order to save your son, he has to suffer the consequences of his behavior. This is very hard for a mother to do. In other words, if he is driving drunk and he gets caught, it should be up to the court to decide. He may have go to rehab, attend meetings, who knows. Many people have turned their lives when they are forced to.

Your son wants to stop drinking, but he can't do it alone.

Demand that he gets help by going to AA meetings and tell him that if he doesn't, he has to suffer the consequences. You must stop bailing him out.

You need help as well. It would be helpful for you to go to Al-Anon meetings to talk with other people who understand what you are going through. Because you love your son, you also must understand that you can't help him. He is the only one that can do it.

Tell him you love him, but you can't live like this and his alcoholism is driving both of you crazy.

Get help for yourself, through Al-Anon, counseling or recovery coaching..... Not only will  you be helping yourself, but you'll be indirectly helping your son.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for writing AllExperts.

This will not be easy,
Wishing you the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Just a follow-up.  After he woke couple of hours later and a heated almost violent exchange between us, I called for an ambulance and he was transported to the local ER where he stayed until about 10 am the next morning.  I agreed to pick him up and allow him to return home while awaiting inpatient treatment intake at a local facility for substance abuse.  He is feeling remorse (typical) and regret (again typical) but at least this time he admits he needs inpatient treatment b/c outpatient treatment is not enough at this point.  The wait could be 2 weeks so in the meantime he will continue seeing his doctor/taking meds and outpatient counseling is set for next week, and he will be attending AA meetings daily.  I am looking for Al-non mtg now so that I may stay strong in this process.  Helpless but still hopeful!

Answer
Hi Again:

--note I didn't call you 'helpless' because you're not:)

Every parent feels helpless this situation, but every parent has power. They have the power to tell their child that they love them, and are there for them -- but only 'if I see you straightening yourself up'. And they have to power to stop enabling.

Not sure if I sent you this, but if I did, there's no such thing as too much info on enabling. It's so easy to fall into it:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

You stood your ground, didn't buy into his 'regret' and 'remorse' saga, called the ambulance and now at last he has the opportunity to get help.

It will be very hard for you not to make sure that he keeps his appointments, but should he not go, there will be consequences.

Congratulations, -- GREAT job!!

Lots of luck,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com