Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/17/2009

Question
Here is my question.

In july i broke-up with my boyfriend he is an alcoholic, who is in deniel, were to be getting married in nov to dec.  but since i walked away due to his alcohol abuse.. .which i was strong enough to walk away.. and he hide it very well for the first 6 months or i would have left earlier... is it common that he is to hate me. He hates me totally. But i walked away because i wont live liek that. even though he is the love of my life.  And I would have married him. I am going on with my life it is hard but i am. Anyway, is there anything anyone can do. He has great potential. he is 46 and has a great job high stress... but fuctions okay in it. He has been an alcoholic for years i find out after we broke up. So is that normal. and can you explain why?

Answer
Hello Angi,
First of all, I congratulate you on your strength and obvious sound mental health that allowed you to walk away from a relationship made dysfunctional by alcoholism. I think that it is consistent with the alcoholic's disease that he now acts as if he hates you; alcoholics incorporate almost any event, even one as painful as the ending of an engagement, into their denial system and often will use the event and the person involved to fuel their drinking. Many alcoholics are intelligent with great potential; the last place usually that they allow negative consequences from their drinking to occur is their employment and can function well for long periods of time. The only suggestion I have is to be sure that you communicated clearly that the reason for the breakup was his drinking; the point being that the alcoholic needs consequences tied to his drinking in order to hopefully at some point realize the need to take a look at his alcohol use. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com