Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/14/2009

Question
Hello. Thank you for committing your time to helping people in great need. We are just two of them. Here is the deal: I live with a man who has been sober for two years now. He doesn't attend any AA, counseling or any of that kind. It's a miracle he quit after 30 years of alcohol abuse. About half a year ago I busted him drinking & we had terrible time dealing with it. Well, recently the same thing happened again & now it's even harder for me to handle the situation, because he intended on hiding it. I have questions of all kind, my trust in his recovery is completely gone, not to mention I have to play the alcohol cop & on top of it all he refuses to share any information about the whole issue, relapses, moods, triggers, etc. I spent tons of time to educate myself & am sure that I can help him before it's too late, but I just don't know how. I am at a loss, confused & very, very hurt. We don't talk anymore, I simply ignore him or am rude to him. I know this doesn't help the situation at all, but want to show him that what he did & does behind my back is not supported, nor tolerated by me at all. We love each other very much & I don't do anything to trigger his behavior & relapses. Please, help me... What can I do? Thank you in advance.

Answer
Hi Lou,

This question has been sitting in the question pool for almost a week, and no one picked it up. Sorry about that, but I have many pending questions that are required to be answered first, so for a quicker reply feel free to ask me directly.

It's apparent that you've done a lot of reading and soul-searching on how to help your partner. But he has refused to attend AA meetings or counseling, and wants to do this himself -- and he has accomplished it for two years. In AA language "relapse is part of recovery". But it puts a lot of stress on everyone including the alcoholic.

When an alcoholic is under stress to have to stop drinking, the irony is that the pressure will cause him to drink more. This happens when you quit cold turkey, go to AA, or going to a treatment facility. Here is a page that may be helpful about relapse and recovery. It may help you see that you're powerless to help him:

http://untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment_recovery.html

The more you ask him to talk to you or anyone else will be ineffective. This is the man that wants to do his recovery his way. Just tell him you support him in anything he chooses to do. Tell him that you know it's hard work to get back on track, and say no more. The alcoholic is the only person who can do anything about his drinking --frustrating I know, but it's a fact.

Check out the Al-Anon meetings in your area. All the members have loved ones who are alcoholics and by listening to them, you will get ideas to apply to your situation. The members can also be a good support system when you're at a loss. If he won't get the help, at least you can.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Lots of luck

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking..com