AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Question I hope I'm posting this in the right section. I am having a problem talking to my boyfriend about his addiction to alcohol. We live together and have been for 2 years now. He is 37 and I'm 30. He is what I have heard some refer to as a "functional alcoholic". A couple of years ago he lost his job driving a delivery truck (a good job w/benefits) when he got a DUI. He went 2 months without working. I had just moved in with him, so I was very worried about how the bills were going to get paid. I couldn't afford them by myself. It turns out he was living off some money that was from his grandmother's estate. The whole time he wasn't working, he slept until about 2 pm every day and drank the entire time he was awake.
Two years later, he still hasn't paid off his required probation and alcohol classes in order to get his license back. Once he does this, he will have to get a blower in his car for a year. He will not be able to drink at all and drive. He works as a short order cook at a local restaurant, and his co-workers have to give him rides to work. (I was at first, but it made him feel guilty because I kept pushing him to get his license back. He didn't want to hear it anymore.) He claims that his co-workers like giving him rides, but that makes no sense to me because some of them go quite out of the way to pick him up. He also tells people that he is some sort of chef/catering expert when in fact, he is a short-order breakfast and lunch cook. He was working 2 jobs and staying gone long hours, which I got used to. I missed him, but he needed to make the money to pay child support and DUI expenses. Now he is here every night and I am finding out what kind of person he really is.
Now I am having a difficult time in my life. I am Type I diabetic and I'm in danger of losing my health insurance due to my hours being cut back to 25 per week. He acts like this is my problem only, and has no suggestions. I am worried sick about how I'm going to afford my medication and insulin pump supplies. I was talking to him about this last night and he pretty much told me that he was tired of listening to my problems. That's not exactly what he said, but he did say he was angry about something that happened to him at work, but he hadn't told me about it because he was too busy listening to my problems. He also said that he didn't know if he was going to be able to make it until payday this week because he has been cut down to 39 hours this week. So I guess his problem trumps mine!
He buys a 12 pack of beer every day and 2 packs of cigarettes. He even drinks 2-3 beers before going into work at 8:00 am. I have stopped by to see him during the day at his job, and he has been shaking like a leaf due to lack of alcohol in his system. He stays up after I go to bed, mostly until 1 or 2 in the morning, until the alcohol makes him pass out. Some mornings the alarm clock is going off literally right beside his head and he doesn't hear it. I have to get out of bed and wake him up. What would happen if I needed his help in the middle of the night with my diabetes? We don't even sleep in the same bed because he wants to stay up drinking and watching TV. When he does sleep in my bed with me, I have to get up and move to another bedroom because the alcohol makes him snore so loudly. He sleeps like a dead person! On his days off, he sleeps until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.
He has two children from two prior marriages. The first child lives with his grandmother (my boyfriend's mother) nearby. The child's mother dropped him off 2 summers ago and said that she didn't want to raise him anymore. Thank goodness my boyfriend's mom was able to take him in because my boyfriend can't. The second child lives about an hour away with her mother. It has now become "my fault" that my boyfriend doesn't see her, even though he has to have supervised visits with the mother present. I mentioned to him one time that I felt uncomfortable in general around kids because I am an only child with no children. He took that one statement and made me the evil child-hating witch. He said it was also my fault that his son doesn't live with us.
I have tried to ask him to stop drinking before and he says that his drinking doesn't affect me. I can't think of a good reason to explain to him why it does other than the fact we don't sleep together and we argue all the time. He would think of another reason those things are happening other than his alcoholism.
Since I have the problem with affording my insurance, I have been looking all over for jobs with benefits. I have even been looking to move anywhere I can find a job and be able to support myself since I can't do it here. He says he wants to move with me, but I'm afraid he will drink himself to death and/or sit on his butt not working if he goes with me. I am really at a loss for what to do. I know that deep in my heart if I could afford to live on my own and get away from him I would do it. If he really wanted to change, he would try to get better and try to get me back. But he doesn't want to change.
Answer Tonya,
You have more than ample evidence
that your boyfriend has serious
alcoholism problems.
It does not sound like he has any
intentions of getting help
and maybe he never will.
That depends entirely on him.
I cannot see what you gain from
being involved with him at this point.
He drinks addictively, works very sporatically.
and doesn't seem to be actively interested
in you or the relationship.
He will need treatment and steady involvement
in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous at this
point in the progression of his illness.
This level of willingness to help
himself may not come until he has
really hit bottom in every way possible.
You must start focusing on yourself and
quit thinking about what he is or is not doing.
Your survival does not depend on him, he
has plenty of problems to address and
he can not possibly be there for you the way
it sounds like you would like him to be.
He is a very sick man.
If you want support you need to find
healthier people to be around.
You can't get water from an empty well.
You need to begin to let go of your
dependence on him even if it takes
small steps and some hardship
or boredom.
Hanging on to someone that cannot
even handle living their own life
with some sanity is a dead end.
I hope you will begin to see that
there is no payoff in trying
to fix this guy up.
Why would you want to believe
that you can somehow change him
when he isn't even cooperating?
He will continue to get sicker
from his alcohol use.
He will get worse physically, mentally,
emotionally and spiritually.
He will lose everything if he does not
stop. If he is unwilling to listen
which is likely then you cannot change him.
Change will have to come from within himself.
What is the payoff for staying?
He will not be able to help you
with your health or financial problems,
but he will contribute to them.
I suggest you put down on paper the
pros and cons of being in an alcoholic
relationship?
What is good, what is bad.
How will the future be?
If the pros win out then stay,
if not then start thinking about
what you want out of life in
your future. Start making
changes a little at a time
to have better relationships
based on mutual respect and
love.
If you stay, then at least let go
of trying to change him.
Work on yourself and leave him to
come to terms with his responsibilities
to himself and others.
