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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > Alcoholic Girlfriend?
Expert: Clyde - 10/27/2009
Question
I've been dating a girl for 2 years now and I'm thinking that she could be an alcoholic. First off let me say that I love her very much and when she is sober we get along great. We have a lot of fun and put the other person first as much as possible. She really is a pleasure to be around. I can depend on her for anything when she is sober. She is probably more extreme and emotional than most girls I've dated; she definitely has some natural mood swings that catch me off guard every now and then, but she is always quick to say she is sorry after the fact if she was obviously in the wrong. We both like to go out at times and have a few drinks on the weekends, I can get a bit silly when I drink, but I stay happy, rational, and no my limits. She does not know her limits and drinks redbull vodkas constantly when she goes out and gets really drunk. As mentioned earlier, she is naturally an emotional person to begin with and alcohol causes those emotions to spill out even more, usually in a negative fashion. In fact, when she gets drunk, it seems like there is a resentment towards me and is very negative about us. There have been many times that she has blacked out, wet herself at the edge of the bed thinking it was the toilet, and passed out in the bathroom after throwing up. She also gets drunk and ends up in very shady situations and then calls me in the middle of the night to come pick her up at a random late night party. Prior to meeting her she got a DWI and suffered pancreatitis. She says that her Dr. told her that it probably wasn't as a result of alcohol, even though she said the night before she was binge drinking w shots of vodka. She says that the Dr. told her that she didnt need to change her eating or drinking habits at all, for some reason I just don't beleive her. That being said, she doesn't get the shakes when she doesn't drink, she can go a while without drinking and its not that big of a deal, but she definitely associates going out on the weekend with heavy drinking? Would you consider her an alcoholic?
This past weekend, after some drinks, not even that many, maybe 3 or 4 beers and a red bull without vodka, she left me and my friends at a music festival without saying a word and I had to go find after she got lost. She was obviously drunk and it just really upset me that I am still having to deal with this 2 years out after always having to talk about it every other month. When I eventually found her at midnight and we came home, she decided that she wanted to get in her car and drive to a friends house, she could barely walk and I was't going to let her drive; she started cussing at me and throwing stuff at me. I eventually lost it and started yelling back. I know she was drunk, but i definitely lost my cool. I have thought about breaking up with her on multiple occasions and i keep hanging in there after she apologizes profusely and admits her faults and says that she is going to tone the drinking down. Obviously the drinking has not stopped or come under control and now I think I am at my wits end and told her I needed some space to think about things. This time she is promising to quit drinking entirely. She says she realizes how it has been a burden for her and caused a lot of damage to herself and relationships. However, when I mention that she might need to talk to someone to help her quit, she gets really upset and says that she can just quit on her own and that it's not like she gets the shakes or anything if she doesn't have a beer. She really wants to do this for herself and me, but i am concerned that she is not giving this problem enough respect and that if I don't break up with her, I am going to have to put up with this for the rest of my life. What should I do? One part of me says that I have to make a move that gives me the best chance of happiness and the other says that I love her immensely and I have to stand next to her and help her through this in spite of the trouble that could be on the horizon. I don't know what to do.
Answer
R. H.
Thank you for your description of your girlfriends' behaviors and for the questions. I would say that "yes" she is an alcoholic as she can not control her drinking and she repeats the same old drunken sloppiness which we call "repeated demoralization" in Alcoholics Anonymous. We can not remember with sufficient force the night before or the last bender. It is a sad predicament in which to find herself.
It is my experience after 15 + years in the rooms of AA and meeting thousands upon thousands of AAer's over the course of those years that she can not do this on her own. Very few can do so. She will need help to put the plug in the jug for good. She is not willing to admit that she is powerless over alcohol and that her life is unmanageable. That is the first step. When we admit that then we can begin to work on the reasons why we drink and learn a better way of life. Even the good treatment centers will counsel recovering alcoholics and addicts to get to AA immediately upon release from rehab.
I feel your pain in knowing that you love this person. She is not a bad person she is just a sick person who needs to get well. Unfortunately, she is the only one that can get that started. You can not do that for her. Sometimes it takes some real losses to get the message through to the alcoholic who still suffers and sometimes loss of a relationship is what it takes.
If you choose to stay and she is untreated, you will be looking at many years of agony and disappointment. That is if she lives long enough. With her behaviors she may be dead in a relatively short period of time.
If you choose to leave, then make the commitment to yourself that you will not accept that misery of an alcoholic marriage and move on with your life. Your tough work will be to grive the loss of the relationship you really want with her. But the pain you'll suffer now is immensely less than years of the alcoholics' lifestyle you may endure. If she chooses to get help and really does quit, then you'll know soon enough and gage whether you really see a sincere effort to get and stay sober.
I hope this may help and write again if I may be of any further help.
Grace and Peace,
Clyde
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