AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Question Hello! I'd really appreciate your opinion.
I'm 37 and dating my 39-year old boyfriend for the past 5 months. When I met him he was a recovered alcoholic. He was very honest with me about his past, saying that he started drinking heavily since he was a student, and that he also had self-esteem problems etc. That at some point (in the year 2000) when he really reached bottom, he went to AA and managed to stay sober for 4,5 years. He then started drinking again on and off, for about a year or more when he had a carcrash and again stopped drinking (again with AA help) for 2,5 years.
When I met him he was again on an on-off situation for some months. I met him in May this year and he was sober since February. He was a sensitive, caring, tender person, having all I wanted in a man. During our vacation he started having a few drinks here and there. The situation got out of hand a couple of times during August(when he hang out with friends) and each time the next day he was a total wreck, psychologically, and turning to me for support. I accepted him but told him since the beginning that I would not be willing to tolerate such situations.
Well, the past month things have deteriorated. He has drinking in his mind all the time, he struggles every day not to, and he is now in a vicious circle where he drinks heavily almost twice a week and then feels very bad for himself. This has resulted in something like a depression and the thing is that he now no longer turns to me. On the contrary, he gets more and more isolated. I have been calling him, proposing to go out, asking how he's been doing.. but he keeps saying he doesn't want to go out, he is not in the mood to talk etc. So, our communication gets more and more rare, I haven't seen him for the past 2 weeks, neither managed to really talk with him, we only exchange some text messages here and there, and mostly I initiate communication.
I really don't know why he changed his attitude towards me and it's so frustrating, as I end up being alone and not having my man to talk to, to see, to hug etc.. and also don't get a chance to really be there for him and help him.
Is it to protect me since it seems he has not decided to go for another treatment to AA yet? Is it because he sees me now as an enemy? (as I have complained to him for being isolated and for neglecting me).Is it within the framework of an alcoholic depression where he rejects and refuses everything?
This is one question and the second is what do I do next, since I cannot even get to talk to him the last days.
One thought is simply to withdraw and stay quiet, not initiate anymore any communication with him, not make any phonecalls or send any messages and wait for him to miss me and/or to decide to go to AA, so that HE then starts approaching me again.
The other thought is to send him a text message saying that I care for him, but cannot stand this situation. That it seems he doesn't want to recover and I don't exist anywhere for him since he doesn't even want to answer my calls. And that I wanted my old John back, but he doesn't let him come to surface, so it's better to end it. And that it's really a pity because us two could be great together.
I don't know which is the best road to follow. It's hard for me to let it go, as I have seen his good side before he got back to drinking and he was really one of the best persons I'd met - so I'm waiting hoping he will make the big decision soon and things will go back to normal for us.
On the other hand though, I'm beginning to run short of patience and strength, to have a boyfriend that I actually DON'T have.
Thanks a lot in advance for your help.
Kleopatra
Answer Kleo,
your friend is an alcoholic and
by the sounds of it he has not
recovered very much as he keeps
drinking rather than sticking with
the AA program of meetings and
applying the 12 steps of AA to his
personal life.
There are a few things happening here
I imagine. One, he is having a struggle
with sobriety which is his first
priority as he will likely die without
getting sober.
He may not have the energy
or will to be able to handle your demands
as he has his own struggle to deal with.
If you want a man to provide you with more
attention I suggest finding a healthier
man without an addiction problem.
You are trying to draw water from an ampty well
in a sense.
Second, he may be experiencing alot of
emotional turmoil and mental confusion
due to drinking or due to the process
of recovering. You are only adding
to his confusion and stress right now.
He may also be feeling much fear or
maybe self loathing which makes it
difficult to be around people.
People and relationships can
be very stressful for a recovering
alcoholic.
I admire your desire to help and
stick with him but if you are
going to do that you will have
to give up much of what you
demand from him. You can only
have what he is able to give to
you and only if he decides to give.
There are no guarantees of security
and committment with someone that
is ill and recovering.
This is going to be a very frustrating
and confusing involvement
for you as he is in a process of changing
his beliefs and his behaviours.
He may continue to struggle for
many years before being able to
handle being there for you as
you would like him to be.
You cannot cure his problem so if
you want to be invloved I would say
let him give you what he has to give
emotionally and otherwise. If you
demand more he will back away to protect
himself from your neediness.
Relationships are always a dance
of approach and avoidance due
to our anxieties over intimacy
or emotional closeness.
We approach a person and then
they back off, we back off and they
approach us. This is due
to our fears of being engulfed
or overwhelmed in an emotional sense.
He is not a strong person emotionally
as drinking masks our emotional development.
He is just learning to handle real feelings
and will be very stressed by this.
I hope he will continue with AA and do
the 12 steps and gets some good sobriety under his belt.
Then maybe he will someday be able to
handle giving more to someone like you.
I suggest you look at what he is really
able to give and what you desire.
Maybe he hasn't got what you need and
you will need to also get some
support from other people to fill in the gaps
in your own needs. A man cannot be everything
to you, he is only human and only
has so much to give at any time.
Sometimes our fantasy of the perfect man
is not reality. Men and women have many
problems and can only do what they know
to do as they grow in life.
If you feel addicted to him as
he is addicted to alcohol then
you need to read Robin Norwood's books
on "Women who love too much"
This is a dependency much like alcoholism
that develops in relationships with alcoholics.
It can be just about as destructive as drinking.
It is relationship addiction and has
the same cravings and insane acting out
that all addictive illnesses have.
Get info from Al-Anon or Codependent anonymous groups.
