AboutBeverley Glazer Expertise I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.
Experience I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.
Organizations NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association,
For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com
Education/Credentials BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor,
CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.
Question Hello! I'd really appreciate your opinion.
I'm 37 and dating my 39-year old boyfriend for the past 5 months. When I met him he was a recovered alcoholic. He was very honest with me about his past, saying that he started drinking heavily since he was a student, and that he also had self-esteem problems etc. That at some point (in the year 2000) when he really reached bottom, he went to AA and managed to stay sober for 4,5 years. He then started drinking again on and off, for about a year or more when he had a carcrash and again stopped drinking (again with AA help) for 2,5 years.
When I met him he was again on an on-off situation for some months. I met him in May this year and he was sober since February. He was a sensitive, caring, tender person, having all I wanted in a man. During our vacation he started having a few drinks here and there. The situation got out of hand a couple of times during August(when he hang out with friends) and each time the next day he was a total wreck, psychologically, and turning to me for support. I accepted him but told him since the beginning that I would not be willing to tolerate such situations.
Well, the past month things have deteriorated. He has drinking in his mind all the time, he struggles every day not to, and he is now in a vicious circle where he drinks heavily almost twice a week and then feels very bad for himself. This has resulted in something like a depression and the thing is that he now no longer turns to me. On the contrary, he gets more and more isolated. I have been calling him, proposing to go out, asking how he's been doing.. but he keeps saying he doesn't want to go out, he is not in the mood to talk etc. So, our communication gets more and more rare, I haven't seen him for the past 2 weeks, neither managed to really talk with him, we only exchange some text messages here and there, and mostly I initiate communication.
I really don't know why he changed his attitude towards me and it's so frustrating, as I end up being alone and not having my man to talk to, to see, to hug etc.. and also don't get a chance to really be there for him and help him.
Is it to protect me since it seems he has not decided to go for another treatment to AA yet? Is it because he sees me now as an enemy? (as I have complained to him for being isolated and for neglecting me).Is it within the framework of an alcoholic depression where he rejects and refuses everything?
This is one question and the second is what do I do next, since I cannot even get to talk to him the last days.
One thought is simply to withdraw and stay quiet, not initiate anymore any communication with him, not make any phonecalls or send any messages and wait for him to miss me and/or to decide to go to AA, so that HE then starts approaching me again.
The other thought is to send him a text message saying that I care for him, but cannot stand this situation. That it seems he doesn't want to recover and I don't exist anywhere for him since he doesn't even want to answer my calls. And that I wanted my old John back, but he doesn't let him come to surface, so it's better to end it. And that it's really a pity because us two could be great together.
I don't know which is the best road to follow. It's hard for me to let it go, as I have seen his good side before he got back to drinking and he was really one of the best persons I'd met - so I'm waiting hoping he will make the big decision soon and things will go back to normal for us.
On the other hand though, I'm beginning to run short of patience and strength, to have a boyfriend that I actually DON'T have.
It's very frustrating when an alcoholic changes his behavior and becomes withdrawn and uncommunicative. As much as you try, he's shutting you out of his life.
To answer your first question: he probably doesn't want to hear anything you tell him about treatment or AA, because he has no intention of stopping right now.
There are two reasons that he's 'rejecting and refuses everything': He is probably actively drinking, so he doesn't want anyone's company and also alcohol is a depressant. If he's depressed, he doesn't feel like talking or having your company either.
So, what should you do next? I'd go with your second option. Tell him that you love him and you want the old John back, but but you can't sit around waiting.
Tell him that you want him to get help and that you'll be there for him if he does, but his behavior is driving you crazy. Demand that he gets help, for the sake of the relationship -- but if he doesn't, you have no choice. For the sake of your own sanity, you have to move on.
Hopefully this may be the ultimatum he needs to take action and get help.
I hope this answers your questions
Thank you for asking AllExperts,
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