Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/14/2009

Question
Hello. Thank you for committing your time to helping people in great need. We are just two of them. Here is the deal: I live with a man who has been sober for two years now. He doesn't attend any AA, counseling or any of that kind. It's a miracle he quit after 30 years of alcohol abuse. About half a year ago I busted him drinking & we had terrible time dealing with it. Well, recently the same thing happened again & now it's even harder for me to handle the situation, because he intended on hiding it. I have questions of all kind, my trust in his recovery is completely gone, not to mention I have to play the alcohol cop & on top of it all he refuses to share any information about the whole issue, relapses, moods, triggers, etc. I spent tons of time to educate myself & am sure that I can help him before it's too late, but I just don't know how. I am at a loss, confused & very, very hurt. We don't talk anymore, I simply ignore him or am rude to him. I know this doesn't help the situation at all, but want to show him that what he did & does behind my back is not supported, nor tolerated by me at all. We love each other very much & I don't do anything to trigger his behavior & relapses. Please, help me... What can I do? Thank you in advance.


Answer
Hello Lou,
I can certainly hear the pain and frustration you feel trying to help this man you love to stop drinking. The unfortunate fact is that only the alcoholic can make the decision to help himself. You cannot control his drinking and are in fact powerless to do so, as it is phrased in Al-Anon terms. Al-Anon is the Twelve Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic and I strongly suggest that you consider attending Al-Anon meetings to learn about ways to avoid unwittingly playing into the denial and manipulative games that alcoholics play. In Al-Anon you will learn not to be rude or ignore him, but to detach with love from his alcoholism and let him know in loving terms that you are attending Al-Anon to learn how to take care of yourself in this situation.

In Al-Anon you can also find support for yourself and the strength to take a firm stand with this man about his alcoholism. The alcoholic almost never agrees to abstain, (which is the only option because by definition, he cannot control his drinking) and seek treatment unless he experiences pain and consequences. It is important to be direct with this man about his alcoholism and its effects on you. I suggest that, perhaps after you have spent some time gaining strength and wisdom in Al-Anon, you consider  telling him that your relationship may be in jeopardy unless he gets sober and stays sober through treatment and AA. Loving an alcoholic is painful and difficult to bear alone. Check out my website for further help and information. Good luck to you.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com