Expert: Clyde - 10/28/2009

Question
Hello Clyde,

I have been married to my alcoholic husband for over 15 years now.  Through out the 15 years I have dealt with him cheating, losing his job and etc. Every time he say he is going to stop drinking he'll stop for about 6 months and then he will be right back at it again. For some reason he feels he can stop on his own without going for treatment.  My family and I have suffered sooo much through these years and I am just tired of it. I call myself putting my faith to works hoping he would change but it doesn't seem like he is. He spends most of his time out in the street with his brother (who is also an alcoholic). I can't have a decent conversation with him or else he'll get upset. But let his brother call or come over and he is the nicest person in the world. Every time I try to put him out he always come back. I don't know what to do. I am so ready to end this marriage because I am so unhappy of how I keep being treated. He is so selfish. He doesn't want to spend anytime with the children or myself. Please help me to understand what is going on.

Answer
Jaime,
   Thank you for your question and for some idea of his behaviors.  He certainly exhibits alcoholic thinking (i.e. he can stop on his own but can't stay stopped, not being home for family while he is out drinking, etc.)  Unfortunately, until he is ready to do something about the problem there will be no changes.
   
   It sounds as if you have tried to set some rules down but to no avail.  It is probably time to set some and keep them.  When he is made to leave this next time it needs to be for good unless some things happen that show he is serious about stopping.  These may include having to attend 90 AA meetings in 90 days, getting a sponsor, reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, working the 12 steps of the program, and staying sober by living differently.

   This is the only way I have seen people get and stray sober.  He needs to have some repercussions that are severe enough that he feels he stands to lose more if he continues to drink than if he sobers up.  Sobering up is one thing, staying sober is a different beast.  The program will give him all he will need to begin this new life but only he can choose to begin.

   I feel your hurt and pain and I know how it must hurt to have to deal with this behavior.  I can only hope that your setting these rules may entice him long enough to find out what recovery can offer him.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde