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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Substance Abuse > Addiction to Alcohol > Guilt
Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/28/2009
Question
Hello,
I hope my question is quick. I am in my early 40's and have had a rocky relationship with a girl in her early 30's for the past 2 1/2 years. When I met her, she had already had a DUI, and in the first year of dating, she had about 7 blackouts. I eventually broke up with her because she could not see anything untoward about this behavior, regardless of my asking her to understand it. This girl was no slouch. She was artistic, beautiful, loving... But she lost it when she drank. We went through counseling, and even during counseling, the drinking continued. Finally, when it was really spiraling out of control, I had to walk away. She kept trying to get into contact with me, and I tried to move on. Within 2 months, I started dating a wonderful girl with no drama, but wasn't ready to move forward, even though she was. I think it was too early for me.
I broke that off, because I was not very healed up to get that committed, and didn't want to waste her time. I subsequently re-connected with my ex, who had shown a fair deal of growth in this arena, and realized that blackouts were an issue. However, her response was to drink "more responsibly." I thought this was a positive step, at least she was recognizing that alcohol was an issue, so I very carefully tried to get back involved, knowing that I wanted to take time before becoming emotionally involved again. Over time, some things occurred that never let me get trust. She was smoking, and hiding it. Hanging out late with her friends, losing track of time, missing appointments, etc. She never blacked out again, but wine was always at the forefront of whatever we did, until she got to the point of deliberately misleading me about things so that I'd feel okay opening up a bottle of wine.
I eventually (6 months) realized that I had fallen back into the alcoholic relationship trap again, and so did another breakup, which was met by yelling, manipulation, and tears, but I stuck to it.
My problem is this. It has been 2 months since then, and I feel so racked with guilt about being able to move forward and have a "good life," that I am paralyzed concerning the thought of dating someone again. I had dated this wonderful girl during the last breakup, and left it because I felt so guilty about having such a great, drama free, over-the-top wonderful life, when my ex- was dealing with such a serious issue.
I am very richly blessed. My friends tell me that just as I am, I am "a catch" and if you add external societal standards, I probably fit that description. It's not hard for me to find a healthy person and start a new, drama-free life, if I want to. My point in saying this is that I'm not missing her out of a lack of opportunity. I probably have an unfair amount of opportunity, and this makes the guilt pretty acute.
So back to the question. Is it the norm after leaving an alcoholic relationship to feel this guilty? I really loved this girl, but I knew what I was in for (lifetime of enabling, lack of intimacy, distrust, manipulation, etc, as long as she continued to think she controlled her drinking), and so I left. But I am stuck. What can I do to get beyond this? Will time alone help, or do I need to do something else? I have remained in counseling, and have a clear understanding of some of my own issues that are contributing to this from my family of origin.
But I guess my main question is, does the alcoholic relationship in itself also foster a sense of guilt on top of what I am already prone to feel, and if so, what can I do to at least get rid of that? Is there something about the alcoholic relationship that makes this guilt worse?
Thanks. I would just like to know that there is a way off of this ride, eventually, and that I am not alone in dealing with this.
Answer
Hello JP,
It is indeed very painful to end a relationship with someone you love, even though you know it is best for your health. Alcoholism is a devastating disorder that hurts those who love the alcoholic as much as the alcoholic, sometimes more. It is normal for a person who has intimately experienced the manipulations and projection and blaming tactics of the alcoholic over a significant period of time, to have the mixed feelings that you expressed. After all, the alcoholic learns as a survival skill in order to not be deprived of the ability to continue to drink, to use guilt as a weapon. To experience these manipulative, sick alcoholic games over a two and a half year period is bound to result in guilt and difficulty trusting in intimate relationships. So, my answer is, "yes, it is normal for you to feel the way you do." Time will, of course, reduce the negatives left over from this relationship. I also suggest focusing on some concepts that are used in the 12 Step programs such as Al-Anon (for those in a relationship with an alcoholic), namely, recognizing the alcoholism as a disease over which you had no power or reasponsibility at any time; separating the negative, sick, manipulative behaviors of the alcoholic from her as a human being, and learning to be gentle with your self as a person who has been hurt by alcoholism. You can go here to find some information about Al-Anon principles: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
WWW.alcoholdrugsos.com
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