Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/13/2009

Question
Hi, i'm 17 and i my father who was my best friend passed away a month ago due to alcoholism. I am finding it extremely hard to cope with the feeling of guilt. My father always had a slight drinking problem. When i was 14 my mum and dad split due to the drinking situation. My dad moved back to where his family lived 30 miles away. I visited him at the weekends, but his drinking started to become an issue,he was a completely different whilst on the drink. My visits cut down, which meant he would drink more because he wasnt seeing his daughter, and he thought drinking alcohol would make things easier,but it only made it worse. Which by then he had become dependent on it. When he was drunk he would text me nasty messeges. Not doin it diliberatly to hurt me. But at the time it really annoyed, so i changed my number and didnt speak to him for months. Then i would feel really guilty and text him to meet up, but sometimes he would turn up drunk which got me aggrivated and i would take my anger out on him. Which only made his disease worse. About 5 months before he passed away,i met up with him for lunch. He didnt look or act like the same as the person i knew for 14 years of my life. He had gone very thin,because he wasnt eating much. My Dad was always a bubbly and happy person,always knew how to make me laugh and cheer me up. He was my best friend. I feel like i am the one to blame for his disease and death. I was the one who pushed him away which made him worse,and drink to get away from the problem. I feel like i have let him down, i could have tried to help him, i was too nieve to think of doing that. But now i deeply regret it for not being there for him. On the other had my uncle (Dads brother) and my nan have tried but got no where. I am devastated for him and me. I want this pain and guilt to go away, it is eating me up inside i dont know what to do!


Answer
Hi Becki,

It is very common to have guilt feelings when someone passes away and you can feel particularly guilty if that person is a parent, as well as an alcoholic.

Children of alcoholics/addicts have very mixed feelings. The alcoholic parent can be nasty, abusive, selfish and worse... and it's only natural to save yourself from this behavior. But on the other hand, you know that the parent has a problem and you wish you could help them, but you can't. This is referred to as a love/hate relationship

The only person who can help an alcoholic is the alcoholic himself. Be assured that nothing you could have done or said, would have stopped him from drinking.

Every adolescent gets angry at their parents. This is normal adolescent behavior, so don't chastise yourself for that. Think about it, if your dad was not an alcoholic and you had a tumultuous relationship with him and he was killed accidentally in a car accident, wouldn't you suffer guilt? Of course you would. But for a child of an alcoholic, it's harder. Here is some information that may help you to understand  children of alcoholics.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholic-family.html

Your emotions right now are very raw, and this takes time to heal. Alcohol is a progressive disease. So understand that his drinking would have progressed with you or without you because he did not get help.

Dad knew that he was killing himself, but he was out of control. Neither you nor the medical profession or anyone else could save him. Your uncle, your Nan both tried and failed. You are only 17 years old. Although you may think you could of been more effective, he wouldn't have listened to you either. An alcoholic has a love affair with the drink.

There are ACOA programs for children of alcoholics. It might be helpful for you to join one. You'll understand that everyone suffers the guilt that you do -- even if the alcoholic parent is alive.

Keep in mind, that as you love your dad, he also loved you. He would not have wanted to cause you guilt feelings or hurt you in any way.

Allow yourself to grieve, but keep the good memories for your dad in your heart. Be thankful for those good memories. Many only have bad memories of an alcoholic parent.

The guilt only causes you more suffering and you are already in pain. You can't bring back the past, so allow yourself to grieve and move on.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking All Experts

Sorry for your loss,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com