Expert: Druideck - 10/7/2009

Question
In August of 2008, we had a family intervention and my husband chose to go into a 28 day rehab facility versus moving out. He was sober for 9 1/2 months even having been laid off after 5 months. After he started drinking again, his personality changed considerably. He's very angry towards me and the other folks who participated in the intervention even though right after was grateful. I've had to ask him to move out due to excessive verbal abuse and not coming home most nights for a couple months. He's been out of the house now for just over 2 months. He's not showing any signs of wanting to come home and has even taken off his wedding ring. I feel like he really needs help. My Mom has even questioned if he's schizophrenic. Part of me wants to move on, but most of me wants our marriage to work. We can't seem to have a conversation without him getting mean and me hanging up. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. He may just not want to be married to me anymore, but won't answer that type of question. Thank you!!!!!

Answer
Rae Anne,

First off I believe you did the right thing
with the intervention.
Secondly, the choice to seek sobriety is
his responsibility alone.
He has been given enough information
to make his decision.

Unfortunately alcoholism is
a powerful and many drinkers are
not willing to get help until
things get very bad. Even then
there are some that never recover
and die early due to mental,
emotional and other health
problems.

There is no way for
an alcoholics mind and personality
to recover while drinking.
It always gets progressively worse
unless they stay in a recovery
program like AA.

His ability to control his fears and
and his anger will not likely improve
anytime soon.

He is of course angry that you
all demanded him to change
and quit drinking.
This was a big threat to his
desire to drink and the feeling
he gets from it.
Since he was not able to follow
through after treatment
you and the others remind him also
of his failure.
He may be striking out at you more
out of self-hatred though.

Perhaps he has given up on being
able to stop drinking right now.
He may resume his recovery if drinking
causes him even more pain which it
usually does at some point.

You must understand that a person
addicted to alcohol will sometimes choose
alcohol over you or anyone else
if it comes to that.
This should have been explained to
you during the intervention
meetings.
He has lost control of his will power,
only a recovery program will address
that to any lasting effect.

I am not sure what you are getting
from the idea of a relationship
with him but he will have
another personality change if
he decides to take recovery serious.

He may not be the man you knew by
the time this is over.
He may not be a man you are even
attracted to at that time.

You cannot have a productive relationship
with a person that is ill from
drinking. He will need years of
life changing recovery.

If you choose to get involved
it will only be because you
have issues of your own
to deal with. Such as
why would I want to go through
all this stuff with him.
Are you attracted to men with problems
this severe?
Does it make you feel good to try
to "fix" him. Is it control
or power you crave?
Does he provide some kind of
security for you, like emotional
or financial?
It is easy to get "addicted" to trying
sort out a troubled mans problems.

It distracts us from working on our
own life. Living with an alcoholic
can make you into an extreme caregiver
or codependent. This means you can't
quit the alcoholic any more than
he can quit drinking.

If you feel an urge to sort out
his problems instead of your own
it may mean you need to treat
your own attraction to that.

He has to been seen as an adult
male capable of living as he chooses.
This is not something you or your
mother can "help" him out of.

This is out of your hands and
if you want to stay healthy
let him come to his own conclusions
now that he has the information
gained through the intervention.
You did your part, now let go
and let god.
I suggest Al-Anon and/or Relationship
Anonymous meetings, Codependents Anonymous,
Also Robin Norwood's books
on "Women who love too much"