AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree and serve as a pastor for the Quaker church.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question Hello! I'd really appreciate your opinion.
I'm 37 and dating my 39-year old boyfriend for the past 5 months. When I met him he was a recovered alcoholic. He was very honest with me about his past, saying that he started drinking heavily since he was a student, and that he also had self-esteem problems etc. That at some point (in the year 2000) when he really reached bottom, he went to AA and managed to stay sober for 4,5 years. He then started drinking again on and off, for about a year or more when he had a carcrash and again stopped drinking (again with AA help) for 2,5 years.
When I met him he was again on an on-off situation for some months. I met him in May this year and he was sober since February. He was a sensitive, caring, tender person, having all I wanted in a man. During our vacation he started having a few drinks here and there. The situation got out of hand a couple of times during August(when he hang out with friends) and each time the next day he was a total wreck, psychologically, and turning to me for support. I accepted him but told him since the beginning that I would not be willing to tolerate such situations.
Well, the past month things have deteriorated. He has drinking in his mind all the time, he struggles every day not to, and he is now in a vicious circle where he drinks heavily almost twice a week and then feels very bad for himself. This has resulted in something like a depression and the thing is that he now no longer turns to me. On the contrary, he gets more and more isolated. I have been calling him, proposing to go out, asking how he's been doing.. but he keeps saying he doesn't want to go out, he is not in the mood to talk etc. So, our communication gets more and more rare, I haven't seen him for the past 2 weeks, neither managed to really talk with him, we only exchange some text messages here and there, and mostly I initiate communication.
I really don't know why he changed his attitude towards me and it's so frustrating, as I end up being alone and not having my man to talk to, to see, to hug etc.. and also don't get a chance to really be there for him and help him.
Is it to protect me since it seems he has not decided to go for another treatment to AA yet? Is it because he sees me now as an enemy? (as I have complained to him for being isolated and for neglecting me).Is it within the framework of an alcoholic depression where he rejects and refuses everything?
This is one question and the second is what do I do next, since I cannot even get to talk to him the last days.
One thought is simply to withdraw and stay quiet, not initiate anymore any communication with him, not make any phonecalls or send any messages and wait for him to miss me and/or to decide to go to AA, so that HE then starts approaching me again.
The other thought is to send him a text message saying that I care for him, but cannot stand this situation. That it seems he doesn't want to recover and I don't exist anywhere for him since he doesn't even want to answer my calls. And that I wanted my old John back, but he doesn't let him come to surface, so it's better to end it. And that it's really a pity because us two could be great together.
I don't know which is the best road to follow. It's hard for me to let it go, as I have seen his good side before he got back to drinking and he was really one of the best persons I'd met - so I'm waiting hoping he will make the big decision soon and things will go back to normal for us.
On the other hand though, I'm beginning to run short of patience and strength, to have a boyfriend that I actually DON'T have.
Thanks a lot in advance for your help.
Kleopatra
Answer Kleo,
I thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the situation.
You have stated it correctly in your last statement - you actually do not have a boyfriend. The reason being is that he does not know who he is, therefore, you never know whether you will meet Dr Jeckyl or Mr Hyde from one day to the next.
Alcohol alters us mentally and emotionally. It is truly a "mind-altering" drug. Alcoholics do not recognize this as they continue to drink because they have come to need and like the effect that alcohol has on them. This is not to say that the physical addiction is not just as devastating - it is. There is a "mental obsession" and an "allergy of the body." The allergy of the body is what we call "cravings" - the symptom you describe in his constant thinking about it and his struggles not to drink.
That is pretty much the simple explanation.
Now what can be done about it? Well, the alcoholic has to reach some place in their drinking career where "alcohol quits working" or does not give them an effect they are looking for. Sometimes this place is death, that is a sad fact. They have to want to get and stay sober more than they want to even consider the idea of a drink. At some point the alcoholic is open to be teachable - alcohol is a drug that will take over your life and you will die if you continue to drink. It is that simple.
Making a decision is one thing - working on the reasons why one has thought alcohol was a solution to their problems is quite another. That is where an honest look at one's self comes in while working the 12 steps of AA.
There are all sorts of reasons why he may not be calling you. To offer any answers would be conjecture so I will not go there.
What should you do next? Well, given the above scenarios for sobriety, you'll need to decide whether you are hopeful that he will ever reach that point in his lifetime. If so, then you can continue to wait and watch always being frustrated that you friend is not available when he is sober ad you don't care for the guy who exists when he is drunk. That is a simple decision as well. I do not say it is one that is taken lightly.
He may be a fine upstanding guy and he may be a great person when sober, but until he is willing to address issues in his life and make a commitment to himself to stay sober, then a relationship with him is tenuous at best.
I would offer the following to think about - many women are in relationships with drunks who they can not get to quit calling or pestering them for dates or sex or assistance to get out of trouble. You are in a pretty lucrative place - he has not called and he is not pestering. I suggest that you do some soul searching on you own life and ask what do you want the next day to be like? Do you want to stay locked in a bad predicament or do you want to let this thing go? It will hurt. It will be grief. It will not be easy.
If you go the letting go route, and begin to grieve this relationship, I would suggest that you obtain a small book written by Colgrove entitled "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It is a powerful book which helps with each stage of the grief process.
I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.
