Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/7/2009

Question
My husband is an alcoholic, he has had years of sobriety only to return to drinking vodka - I have been with him off and on (kicking him out for behavior then taking him back) for 13 years, we have a 12 yr old daughter.  We got married in 2006 why now I don't know.  I should have never done it.  We had been separated and I thought the "marriage" when give both of us the security that we needed - BIG WRONG.  In December of 2007 I found he had started drinking vodka again.  We had just begun having a beautiful new house built.  It was to be ready in May.  I went to see an attorny to find he wanted a $5000 retainer, money I didn't have, so I went through with the house and we moved in, in May 2008.  I am now sitting in an apartment after leaving my husband yesterday.  The drinking, the staying out all night, the lying, losing his great job, the threats, the screaming and swearing at our 12 daughter, me, and my 86 yr old mom finally put me in a position that it was get out or be dead.  He lost a great job the end of July.  We had bought a new Harley - I tried to deal with him to take the Harley and leave but he refused to leave the house.  So I had to take our daughter, my mom and me to an apartment to get out of the insanity.  And now I'm feeling guilty, I worried about him.  He called me and told me he was going to destroy the house then started crying and telling me he would have left had he known, even though I begged him over and over again.  My question what do I do to get over the guilt I feel.  I keep telling him to take this time and fix himself - to go get help.  But I still feel guilty.  My 12 yr old feels no remorse, she has had to change schools and is just angry, what do I do for her.
Thank you for your help.
Jennifer

Answer
Hi Jennifer,

After all this time, you should be congratuated for leaving this man, but this is not and easy thing to do.

The relationship is codependent, and that's why you're struggling with guilt and worry about him. Here's more informationl:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

There are books Melanie Beaty that can be helpful as well.

In the mean time you're telling him the right thing: GET HELP!!
Maybe, you're leaving was a final wake-up call and he'll do it. But you shouldn't sit around and wait.

You have to work on yourself. It may be helpful to go to Al-anon meetings, because many alcoholics are in codependent relationships and
the members will be familiar with the problem.

Your daughter's anger is perfectly normal. She has seen it all and there's no sympathy here. It would be helpful to get her counseling to work this through. She's disappointed in him, has lost respect for him and has mixed feeling on why you kept taking him back.
An Al-Ateen meeting would put her in touch with others and give her an opportunity to vent.


Thanks you for Asking AllExperts,
I hope this information is helpful

Remember, that you did the right thing to finally get out of there.

Good luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com