Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/21/2009

Question
I have been with my husband for 17 years, and he has been a heavy drinker from day one. About 1yr into our marrage i really began to realize that he has a major problem. its been a rollercoaster ever since. We have 2 wonderfull girls ages 14 and 12. the 14 yr old has wanted me to leave him for a long time. 7 weeks ago i told him he had to stop and get help or pack his things and leave. well guess what he left. he has shown no signs of changing or wanting to change. my girls and i feel like he chose drinking over his family and we are very angry for that. the 14 yr old doesnt want to have anything to do with him but the 12 yr old does. he comes and get the 12 yr old every sunday for a 4h event and he barely speakes to the 14 yr old and my self. she is very hurt and angry, ashamed, imbarrised, and every other feeling there is. what can i do to help her? he wont talk to her even though i have told him i think he should. his parents are no help at all even though they know about all the horrible things that have happened. we have always had wonderfull family support for everything else but just not this. I need help for me and my girls!!!!!  

Answer
Hi Brandi,

You have been in a relationship with a drinker for 17 years and I'm sure that you tried everything to get him to change. Finally, when you gave him an ultimatum he chose to leave. In reality, he DID choose the drink over the family.

This is very hurtful and I'm glad that you see that all of you need help.

There are many emotions that you have to work out: grief, loss, anger, fear, guilt, you name it....you're on a roller-coaster of emotions. First, all of you have to work out the grief. For you it's losing your husband and the 'family' unit, for the kids it's losing their father --even though he's not dead, he's not emotionally there (but he hardly was) You have to move forward -- from the feelings you have now, to accepting. This will give you a sense of calm -- He made his choice and you and the girls must move on.

Here's some information to understand the process:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/getting-over-relationships.html

You should also know that you've been living in an abusive relationship all these years. Look into counseling for both you and the girls.

If you find a counselor who's familiar with addiction, that would be great. If you're affiliated with a church, pastoral counseling can also be helpful. See if there are Al-Ateen programs in your area. The girls would benefit greatly from speaking to others in the same boat. For you, Al-Anon may give you support. Your family has been affected by alcoholism and they will not only understand what you're going through, but the members may be a great family support system. Reach out to them.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com