Expert: Druideck - 10/9/2009

Question
my husband has been sober for nearly 2 mos. he was attending many aa meetings but has cut back to 2 per week about 3 weeks ago.
he is on a spending spree for clothing, gym memberships, etc b/c he is trying to take better care of himself. that is important but his kids are going without in order for him to take care of himself. he is also being very self centered and making sure he has time for himself. sometimes he is good with chores other not.
he doesn't come home to help the kids after school if it interferes with his gym time, etc. he is saying his last binges were b/c i cheated on him. that never happened. he claims he has proof. but won't say what it is. he says i should feel bad for what i did and i am not being compassionate to him b/c i am not allowing him to walk all over me or shirk responsilbilties. he mom is supporting his claims. is this normal behaviour for a recovering person?

Answer
Hello,

I know it may seem strange but your
husband is likely to be somewhat unbalanced
in his values at this time.
Even though his behaviour does seem somewhat
odd it may have something to do with how
he perceives recovery.

Of course recovery does not promote ignoring
your family or responsibilities.
It does however make self-care and staying
sober very important out of necessity.
Anything is preferable to drinking at this
early stage.

His desire to hold blame is something he will
have to address in his recovery as well.

He has alot of emotional development to do
and alot of self-searching as well.
I expect if he does not relapse he will
at some point realize his behaviour is off
balance.

Remember that staying sober is number one
as without that he cannot perform the other
responsibilities you wish him to address.
If he has to have time to himself that is
understandable as recovery is very confusing
and difficult.

I also believe you should arrange some time
for yourself to rest from your family duties.

Recovery does not promote self-centered behaviour
or shirking of ones family responsibilites.
Recovery is the exact opposite of this, while
still doing what is necessary to regain ones
health. That includes meetings and some time
to allow the alcoholic to adjust to a very
different way of life.
It may take much patience and adjustment but if he sticks
with his recovery he should come around in time
and start to see his priorities are backward.

I suggest reading chapter 9 of the big book of AA
online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Take care!